Merry Christmas, Bipeds!

Christmas is now only 5-6 days away. That's exciting. Well, at least part of it is exciting, and that part is the presents! I didn't have anybody to get presents for this year (thank you very much, tuna industry and oppressive Hollywood regime), so I'm going to give recommendations for your family members.

Your dad: He probably likes tools, right? But I bet he has all the tools he needs. Or so you think! Get him a giant inflatable hammer! It's fun and useful, and he can deflate it and keep in his toolbox!

Your mom: Haha, "your mom." But seriously, there's tons of stuff you can get for the kitchen. Plates, bowls, spices, mixing thingies. It really depends on the meals you want her to make for you.

Your older brother: Brothers are usually easy to buy for, but the presents for them should work on multiple levels. That's why I suggest an exploding cake. Level one: yummy-looking cake--he'll like that. Level two: explosion--funny. Level three: face covered in cake--even more funny. Level four: eating cake off his face--delicious.

Your younger sister: Dolls and ponies are cliche, so you'll have to be really unique to get by for your sister. Get away from the "safe" ideas and put yourself out on a limb with a pet rat. They're clean and talented just like your sister is! For added gift fun, let it loose in the house ahead of time and tell her she has to find her present!


And if you don't have anyone to buy for, feel free to visit My Amazon.com Wish List and pick up something for your favorite celebrity dolphin (me).

Ask Flipper: From the Secret Archives

Thousands of years ago, on October 5th, 2006, I received this question from a mysterious person named "Anonymous." I answered it privately at the time, but now it must come to light. I've translated the original archaic dialect of the email into contemporary speech. And for this special release from Flipper's archives, I'll give a free sticker next time you see me.


Dear Flipper,

Why does asparagus make your pee smell?

Love,
Anonymous

Dear "Anonymous,"

I was told by a close informant that this was going to be a romance question. Either he was lying or you were. I've known him longer than I've known you, so it was probably him. It's not my problem that I trust people too easily, is it? I don't know.

Which reminds me of your question. My answer is I don't know. But here's a question for you: What kind of a question is that? Doesn't your pee smell no matter what you eat?

Here comes the squid again. Great.

Flipper.

Vincent van Blog

I just got a site tracker a little while ago, and the results are disturbing. I'm currently averaging less than three visits a day. It's not that I care about number of readers--I've gotten over the vanity phase of blogging--but I really expected my agent or publicist to get the word out a little better. I don't care if I'm washed up. For the amount I'm paying these people, I should have at least 500,000 hits per day. One for every dollar.

I would have thought that blogging is like art: you have to die before you get any attention. But I already faked my death, and nothing happened! What more does it take? My real death? Fat chance, web culture elite. I'm here til the Apocalypse, even if it means nobody ever reads my blog. At least I'll have a beard as long as the Nile.

Yes, dolphins can grow beards. We are mammals.

Gum

I want to chew gum. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a dolphin to chew gum? It's really hard. I keep swallowing it! I even tried a massive piece that wouldn't go down my throat so that it'd stay in my mouth, but I swallowed that too! Well, I would have swallowed it if it hadn't gotten stuck in my throat. Three marine biologists had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me.

(Funny thing about the dolphin Heimlich: the thing that's stuck goes out the blowhole, not the mouth. Nailed one of those biologists in the face pretty good. Gave him a black eye and possibly a concussion.)

Now I realize my teeth and mouth aren't made for chewing, but come on! Gum!

Ask Flipper: The Return

In the months I spent away from this blog, I still received questions meant for my "Ask Flipper" advice column. I've actually received over 200 messages, and that number grows by the day, which I find astonishing considering I get an average of 2 readers a day. But now that I've returned, I can once again help you with your concerns, ease your pain, and make fun of you.

Dear Flipper,
Last semester I fell in love with my Money and Banking professor. After careful consideration, I wanted to take it to the next level - I emailed him, gushing over how much I enjoyed his class - that he was the best economics professor I'd ever had. I commented on the perfect fit of his fleece pullovers, and how much I enjoyed his thoughtful chin/neck tugs during question and answer time.

His reply was simply:
"Nana,
Glad you enjoyed the course. Hope you enjoy your next semester.
Professor"

Is he into me?

Nana Bee

Dear Nana Bee,
Most people will tell you no, and they might be right, but can you afford to take that chance? Professors are usually very subtle or very shy, so yours probably just can't bring himself to say he loves you. "Glad you enjoyed the course," could mean "I really like you too." "Hope you enjoy your next semester," would be, "I'm free on Friday, stop by my office." I'm not saying he's definitely into you; professors can also totally forget about romantic subtext. But I think you should strike while the iron's hot, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, since it's been exactly two months since you asked this question, your professor is probably dead. Sorry!


You can send your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

The Century

Today I started to wonder what it will be like when I turn 100. I'm pretty sure no dolphin has ever done that before, but I'm sure I will. You see, I discovered a little something called "the fountain of youth." You may know it by its more popular name, mescaline. No, just kidding. Drugs are bad, as I say much more eloquently in my book.

But anyway, being 100. I wonder how well my cartilige will hold up. Will I lose my dorsal fin? And apparently old people get really hairy, so I'll have one of those old-man beards, all long and white and scraggly. And I'd have to get a straw hat and lose all my teeth and go around with a banjo. (It's no coincidence that my image of my 100-year-old self is the same as a hillbilly self. It's scientifically proven that the older a dolphin gets, the closer that dolphin tends toward hillbilliness, as illustrated by the graph below.)



You know how most people make a list of things they want to do before they die? I decided to make a list of things to do after I die. Then I more practically decided to make a list of things to do after I turn 100. Number one is sky-diving, and number two is win a hot-dog-eating contest. That's all I have so far.

The Road Back to Fame

I can only stand not being famous for so long. It's like air--you can go without it for 10 or 20 years, but any longer and you'll die. My fame clock is ticking to its end, and I plan to wind it back up. Say it with me now: sitcom!

I'm really surprised I didn't come up with this idea earlier. After all, I already worked in TV, I have an in at the networks, and who doesn't like to laugh? Let's face it, America, I belong on your television sets at 8 (7 central) every Monday evening.

The story is about me, the world's favorite dolphin, and the rest I haven't figured out quite yet. My options are either A) I'm working as a plumber in New York, B) I get an apartment in New York with a bear, C) I try to make it as a theater student at NYU, or D) All of the above. I think I'll call it "Fish Out of Water."

I already started writing the pilot, and I'll give you all a sneak peak at it.

Scene: Unusually spacious apartment in New York. Flipper enters with landlord.
LANDLORD: This is the place.
FLIPPER: I'll take it!
LANDLORD: Great. Your roommate's back there.
FLIPPER: Roommate?
Enter bear.
BEAR: Roommate?
LANDLORD: Looks like you guys are going to be the best of friends!

Who wouldn't buy this for eight seasons?

Ask Flipper Returns, sort of

It's been a long time since I answered your questions, and it'll probably be a while longer still. I've gotten about two questions since I quit writing that section, and I don't remember either of them. This slight return is meant more to address the questions that I have about myself.

1. Why did I get so much more spam than real questions in my mailbag?
Because I published the email address all over the internet like an idiot. Maybe if I tried to answer the queries and propositions given in that spam, I'd have something to do on Saturday nights instead of watching Johnny Mnemonic.

2. Why do I pretend like I live in Madison when I've actually been in Minneapolis for the past year?
To keep up the lie that was my facebook profile. To be completely honest, I never attended the University, and I certainly never would have studied criminal justice or Japanese or whatever I wrote on that profile. I would have pursued my real passion: musical theater.

3. Shouldn't I be dead by now for being out of water so long?
Probably, but I'm not gonna whine about it.

Business is for the Humans

When I was a kid, my parents would overhear the human parents tell their kids not to feed the animals. Most often they would say, "Don't feed the bears." For a long time, I thought they were idiots. I was worried the bears would die. (Thankfully, somebody fed them, but I learned later that bears die whether you feed them are not. So it is for all non-dolphin animals.) Anyway, today I learned why parents had to warn their children: because bears will become mad with hunger, open a sandwich business, and run it into the ground.

I meant to go to the Bear Rock Cafe today, as the bears' wares looked quite delicious whenever I would walk by. Unfortunately, the Bear Rock Cafe closed over a month ago, leaving me no choice for lunch but the greasy beef monstrosities that I eat every day.

Many people have confirmed to me that Bear Rock is indeed delicious, and the restaurant was full whenever I saw it. How could it go out of business? Knowing what I do about bears, it was probably a combination of the following: the bears who were running it ate most of their ingredients at great financial loss, the sandwich market was already fully saturated, the bears did not have enough fingers to be taken seriously in the human business world, and the insurance costs were unmanagable.

I can't wait to see one of those bears homeless on the street. I gonna punch him right in the nose and see if he tries something.

The Only Election That Matters

That's right, the first AP Poll for the 2006-2007 NCAA Men's Basketball season is out at last! Let's take a looksie.

1. Florida - They held onto most of the guys who brought them the championship last year, so they'll probably be in the Top 10 for the season. They've got what might be a tough schedule, though, unlike last year's road to the championship.
2. North Carolina - A young team last year, maybe now they're mature enough? Probably not. They could still finish on the top of the ACC, though.
3. Kansas - Another young team, they don't have a single Senior on their roster. But they played really well for young team last year, now that they've played together a while, they might have a chance.
4. Pittsburgh - Pitt tends to surprise by being better than expected or worse than expected. I expect them to be unranked by the end of the season, so they'll probably finish in the Top 5.
5. LSU - They lost Big Baby, so I don't see them holding onto this spot for long.
6. UCLA - They made it to the championship game, and they crumbled. But they're a big team, and big teams can push people
7. Ohio St. - No team rocks football and basketball in the same year.
8. Georgetown - Flipper's guarantee: two Hoyas will have been arrested by season's end.
9. Wisconsin - With Taylor and Tucker finally seniors, the Badgers pose a threat.
10. Arizona - Why does everybody like Arizona so much?
11. Alabama - Alabama always--always--ruins my brackets. I hate them.
12. Duke - Token rank. I don't think Duke has been unranked in the first poll ever.
13. Texas A&M - A&M? What does the M stand for? Mmmmmterrible?
14. Memphis - I keep thinking this refers to their NBA team. Which would be ranked about here in the college poll.
15. Boston College - Jesuit schools have gumption. They'll go far.
16. Marquette - See above comment about Jesuit schools.
17. Washington - Like the president? I thought he was dead.
18. Connecticut - Does anybody still play for this team? Six of their five starters were drafted last year.
19. Creighton - I don't get it.
20. Syracuse - Melo's totally going to get them another championship. I don't care that he's not on their team anymore; he can do it.
21. Texas - The twitch in my dorsal fin tells me these guys should be higher up, but my brain tells me they won't win more than 18 games this year.
22. Kentucky - Kentucky is one place I never want to think about.
23. Georgia Tech - These guys are my sentimental favorite for no reason whatsoever.
24. Nevada - If they end up with anything higher than an 8 seed in the tourney, I will be surprised. Not spit water out my blowhole surprised but surprised.
25. Tennessee - When has this team not been a disappointment to everyone paying attention? Also dangerously close to Kentucky.

Drunk

I already had liek four beers today, and I guess the dolphin's liver can't process alcohol very well cuz I'm WASTWED!

I went outside this morning to go to the grocery store, and there was a bunch of hippies telling me to vote. I've never seen so many idiots in my life. Not since I went to the Edison Museum or Alabama, anyway.

I didn't punch 'em cuz I was tired. I regret it when I don't punch the hippies, but meh.

But voting--geez. Didn't you hippies take your voting class? Dolphins can't vote! It's in the Constitution, right under the part about the freedom. Don't Americans read their holy documents?

So leave me alone. I don't vote, you don't send me to the zoo. We're even. Except for the ignorance. Stop being ignorant, hippies.

Post-Election Commentary

Some of you may wonder why or how I'm doing my post-election commentary five days before the election takes place. It's because I can travel through time. It's a nifty little trick I can do. I try to save it for special occasions like elections and events that offer free cake, though.

So as of November 21st--I went a little further ahead to get a good sense of how the election changed things--the United States is completely destroyed. I'm talking wasteland, burning rubble, nuclear fallout. I couldn't tell whether this was the wrath-of-God apocalypse or the let's-get-drunk-and-shoot-nukes-at-each-other apocalypse, but either way it didn't look good.

To really take in this post-apocalyptic landscape, I rented a Honda Incite (hybrid cars are better for the environment, after all) and drove around for a while. Saw a few mutants, a few naked people, and a few people with shotguns, so apparently not that much had changed. That put me at ease.

I wish I could tell you whether the Democrats or Republicans won the election so we can avoid this mildly dark vision of the future, but I have no idea. We're probably doomed either way. At least we'll be armed, mutated, or naked, right?

I Like Things

I realize that I tend to talk about things that I resent on this blog, and there's very little about things I enjoy. Today, I'll try to reverse that trend.

I like frisbee.

I like rabbits.

I like Mt. Rushmore.

I like George Harrison.

I like flying kites.

Wait, I don't really like frisbee that much.

I like tuna.

Wait, no, I don't like tuna either.

I guess that's it.

An Occasion to Narrow My Eyes

There's this new dolphin in the neighborhood, and he's really pissing me off. He just moved into my building, which is even more infuriating than if I saw him on the street because there are so many buildings in town to choose from, and I know for a fact that many of them are more dolphin-friendly than mine.

I'm used to being the only dolphin around town, so this new arrival is definitely unwelcome. This is my turf, and I don't take kindly to encroachers. I don't know exactly what this guy has planned in terms of challenging my position, but I'm already working on pre-empting him. Like when I brought his bag of groceries in, I faked like I was going to hit the bottom and launch it. He flinched, so it worked.

I noticed the other day that he's mostly hanging out with hipsters and shut-ins. At first I laughed at him, but then I realized that he's earning street cred by hanging with people who have integrity. It won't be long before he has a Vespa, and then I won't have a chance.

Sombrero Dream

Fact: Dolphins look good. If you want to get especially factual, dolphins look great.

Fact: The sombrero is the king of hats. Sombrero may indeed be Spanish for "you cannot wear a better hat than this."

Fact: When you combine two things of great awesomeness, you improve the quality of life for all mankind. Example: dinosaurs and baseball. Case and point.

Prepare your minds to be blown.




(Though I don't particularly care for giving credit where credit is due, this website is genius.)

Deportation

Moments after my glorious return and we're already having problems. When converting my blog to the new and exciting "beta" method, I stupidly used my friend's email address instead of my own. So he's pissed, and I'm screwed.

To solve this problem, I'll be doing two things. First, I'm leaving the country. It's not hard because I spend most of my time in international waters anyway, and I don't technically have a right to be in the United States. Second, I'll be exporting all my posts (excluding this one, probably) to my new site at flipperforevergangsta.blogspot.com. For the two or three of you who have links to this blog, they won't work for long.

I'll see you on the other side. Where I have more bling.

NOTE: This is actually the other side with the bling. Still waiting on most of the bling, though.

Resurrection

I am no longer dead. While I was debatably never dead to begin with, it is now official that I am alive. And I will probably write more in the future to demonstrate this fact.

Why am I alive, you ask? That's a good question. Why is any of us alive? Some are alive to improve the human experience, others are alive to play professional sports. Since I fit into neither of these categories, I am alive to blog.

So I return with a mission and renewed dedication. At least until I get run over by a train.

One Last Question for Flipper

Though I never expected to get another letter, I did get another letter. This one comes from "D-Rock," which I assume is a typo for Beastie Boys emcee Ad-Rock. He writes:

Flipswitch, if I may call you Flipswitch,

I was just wondering what you think is the single greatest issue confronting the fate of mankind and what you think we can do about it?

Cheers,
D-Rock

P.S. I would also like to know if you could shed light onto the incident you had with Echo from SeaQuest DSV back in 2001.

One. Why does everybody want to call me something different from Flipper? Isn't "Flipper" diminutive enough? And even though you didn't phrase it as a question, Mr. Rock, you may not call me Flipswitch. Mostly because I don't get it.

Two. Your question. I don't really care that much about mankind, so my opinion may be a little indifferent. I'm not gonna give you any of the usual global-warning, lack-of-sustainable-energy, AIDS-empidemic, people-should-stop-smoking liberal claptrap. The only real problem mankind is facing is declining movie attendance. We've known about this for years, and nobody's done anything. Hardly anyone even talks about it. We have several major studios losing buckets of money every year, and why? Because people can't suck up their pride and go to see a movie every week or so. If this trend continues, we'll soon have nothing but foreign films. What can we do? Go see more movies. If you don't like anything that's out, go see one that you liked three or four times. It's that simple. Hollywood needs your help.

Three. There are two things wrong with that request. Ecco the Dolphin is spelled with two cs, and Darwin was the star of SeaQuest, not Ecco. Ecco was the subject of a video game. I met him once; he's quite incredible, what with those sound wave things and whatever he does. But the incident with Darwin. He was in the midst of a steep decline and getting way too high on coke every night. One thing most people don't know about Darwin: he was always really annoying when sober, and then he turned into a belligerent ass on substances. So I was around him at some party one night, and when I refused to join him at the coke table, he threw the table at me. Yelled something about me and his girlfriend and how he was gonna kill me if I didn't shut up. I didn't understand a word of it, so I started walking away. Then he just died. I did not kill him. All that tabloid stuff was way off. So, clearing the record: I DID NOT KILL DARWIN.

Thanks for your letter!

Flipper, signing out.

An Old Dolphin

There's no point in avoiding the issue anymore: I'm old. Like really old. Like fifty-something. Most dolphins don't live past 40. I may be the oldest dolphin who ever lived.

I'm not really feeling my age. I can still swim and party like I used to. But not everybody feels that way. Some of the more knowledgable zoologists think it's time to put me down.

Now before you go freaking out about my impending death, let me explain a couple things to you. First, everybody dies, so suck it up. Second, I went to the doctor yesterday, and it turns out almost all my vital organs are cancerous. I did not see that coming.

I haven't decided if I'm going to let them do it or if I'm going to live out the rest of my natural life. Either way, I'll try to post from beyond the grave, but I don't know how that stuff works. I hear they don't have too many computers in heaven.

The One Time a Year When I Wear a Monocle

This weekend is my annual Flag Day party. I use "my" loosely because I don't actually host it. I just find one to attend every year. I suppose I also use "Flag Day" loosely because the party usually has nothing to do with that. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never crashed a party this close to Flag Day before. It's just a bunch of rich snobs hanging out at a country club and wearing tuxes or whatever. So I'm about to don my custom tuxedo (it's my only piece of clothing that I didn't have to cut a hole for dorsal fin) and top hat, pick up my cane and monocle, and fake being rich and snobby at the local fancy place.

Here's what last year's party was pretty much like:

RICH GUY #1: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. ...
ME: Billionaire. Mr. Roger Flippington Billionaire.
RICH GUY #1: That's quite an impressive...name you have there.
ME: Yes. Quite. Do you have a cigar?
RICH GUY #1: I don't think I've ever seen someone of your...complexion smoke a cigar.
ME: I do it often. Frequently, in fact.
RICH GUY #2: (walking up to join the conversation) Good God! Who invited this--
RICH GUY #1: Fine gentleman is Mr. Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Ahem. Yes. A pleasure. It's no wonder, with a monocle like that....
ME: I make an effort to have a monocle on hand for every occasion. Nothing shows people that I'm better than them like a monocle.
RICH GUY #2: Are you a member of this club Mr. ...?
ME: Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Yes, Mr. Billionaire.
ME: I most certainly am.
RICH GUY #2: I was under the impression that we did not allow beasts into the club.
RICH GUY #1: Go easy on the chap, Carlton.
ME: Well, good sir, I have already eaten all the free food this soiree has to offer, I have befouled the swimming pool, and I've laughed haughtily at more than a few jokes I did not understand, so I believe the point is moot. Good day.
RICH GUY #1: (as I walk away) There goes the most fantastic creature I've ever met.

The World Cup

I think there's something in the subtitle to this blog saying I discuss soccer. That was originally a bluff, but since the World Cup's going on, I might as well deliver.

So let's take a look at the matches. First the ones already played.

Germany v. Costa Rica, Germany wins 4-2: Home field advantage, man. I doubt there are enough Costa Ricans to even fill that stadium.

Poland v. Ecuador, Ecuador wins 2-0: I'm not too surprised when the former Eastern Bloc countries lose. Plus I think that Ecuador has harnessed the power of the equator better than any other soccer team before them.

England v. Paraguay, England wins 1-0: I like Paraguay and everything, but come on England. 1-0? Weak.

Sweden v. Trinidad & Tobago, Tie 0-0: As much as 0-0 ties prove the absolute futility of this game, I'm amazed by the tenacity of the Trinidadian team, especially since they were playing a man down. I think I know some of those guys from my South American days. Arriba!

Argentina v. Ivory Coast, Argentina wins 2-1: Check this out--

This is what I call a fan. He is the one and only reason I hope the Ivory Coast wins it all.

Serbia and Montenegro v. Netherlands, Netherlands wins 1-0: Got to be two of the most boring countries ever. I really really don't care.

Mexico v. Iran, Mexico wins 3-1: That's what you get for being terrorists, Iran. Allah's judgment against you is a loss in a soccer match.

Angola v. Portugal, Portugal wins 1-0: There's a soft spot in my heart for Angola that I can't explain, and I guess ultimately I don't care, because the only team in their group I want them to beat is Iran.

Italy v. Ghana, Italy wins 2-0: Did anyone not expect this? I mean, I cheered for Ghana and whatever, but seriously. We're not living in a dreamworld.

USA v. Czech Republic, Czech wins 3-0: This is the one time I'm not surprised when a former Eastern Bloc country wins. USA sucks.

Australia v. Japan, Australia wins 3-1: This is just an oddball match. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't make sense to me.

South Korea v. Togo, South Korea wins 2-1: I guess I like South Korea. But I think it's just hard to like a team whose country has about as much square footage as Connecticut. Which is a shame because I've heard good things about Togo.

That does it for the completed games, now how about the first round games to come?

Brazil v. Croatia: For all the made-up stories about Brazilian soccer team plance crashes I've heard, I still think Brazil will win. It'd take more than four or five plane crashes wiping out dozens of major players to make a difference in this match.

France v. Switzerland: I can't imagine either country caring about this game. You've got the snobs of all snobdom on hand one, and then there's the paragon of neutrality on hand two. I predict a wine and cheese party.

Spain v. Ukraine: A rhyming match! I pick Spain because it's easier to rhyme to with single-syllable words.

Tunisia v. Saudi Arabia: I pick the Saudis. For no reason in particular.

See you in a couple weeks for round 2!

Jessica Alba

A good friend of mine directed me to an article recently that quoted Jessica Alba as saying something like she's so hot she turns dolphins on. I can't speak for the specific dolphins she was with, but she's probably right. I mean, she's pretty hot.

But there are two things that concern me more about this article.

Number One. This happened on the set for a filming of a show called "Flipper." I hope this has nothing to do with me. Because I own the rights to that name. No one can use it without first consulting me. I smell a lawsuit. (Hopefully that'll give me a chance to meet Jessica.)

Number Two. This definitively proves that reincarnation happens. That's the only way to explain this. Dolphins don't find humans attractive unless the dolphin involved used to be human. I'm really starting to think that there's not a real dolphin out there. Just a bunch of former humans. Almost makes me think all you humans are destined for life as a dolphin. I anxiously await the day Jessica Alba dies and becomes a dolphin. Unless she becomes a fat dolphin.

Where Are My Adoring Fans?

One thing I've noticed lately is that no one reads this blog. That's right, gentle reader, you are no one. If I were in a less surly mood, I would admit that you are indeed a person. I would even say that you're one of the few people I like because you read all the pointless things I have to say. But at the moment none of that is true because I am surly and you are nobody.

There was a time when I was famous. No one remembers that time anymore because they're all dead or working corporate jobs or both. The people who claim to remember that time actually only remember the 80s syndication of my show and the more-or-less ironic adulation that followed. I certainly appreciate adulation, though, ironic or not.

But now we have the 2000s. The cold, dark present. And no one pays attention to a 40-some-year-old dolphin anymore. Not even one who spent three glorious seasons doing tricks and catching smugglers on national television. The aftermath of fame is bitter, but it's much more bitter once you've been unfamous for over twenty years. By then people don't just not want your autograph or not want to go swimming with you; they forget you have an autograph to give, and they forget that you can swim. They forget that you exist.

If you even read this far, I don't want you to pity me for my loneliness. It's not that bad. I actually made up most of that pathetic-sounding stuff. I just really want more people to read this blog. I mean seriously. I'm a famous washed-up dolphin here, and I'm writing a blog. What else does it take?

Impressing the Ladies

Today I woke up to discover a message on my Facebook profile's wall from a high school kid named Avi. Or maybe he's not high school anymore. I don't know. But he broke one of my cardinal rules of respect for Facebook. He asked me to write on his wall. I don't think it's cool to make that request. You should just wait for it to happen. Granted, I don't write on anyone's wall unless they ask me to, but that's beside the point. So I wrote on his wall. He wanted advice on how to "impress chicks." This is what I wrote.

Flipper's advice column, episode #1.

So you want to impress the ladies. This isn't something I can explain well in a letter, but we'll give it a shot. It's also difficult because I don't really have a method. Ladies like me because I am famous and because I am a dolphin. Getting famous is hard; becoming a dolphin is harder, and I definitely don't recommend it (see that South Park where Kyle's dad becomes a dolphin--that scared the hell out of me). So if you want to impress the ladies but aren't famous or a dolphin, there's not a lot I can tell you. You could save some lives, I guess, but I've seen too many nerdy coast guards save lives and fail to get a lady to think that that's an effective method. I really think the best way for a non-famous non-dolphin to get a lady's attention is go Miami Vice. That's right. Stubble, pastels, undercover narcotics work. If Don Johnson can do it, anyone can.

Oh crap. Here comes the squid.

Your pal,
Flipper.

I can't tell if I was serious about the Don Johnson thing. Whether or not I was, I hope he does it.

Technology

Some of you may have seen the post entitled "Summer Begins" twice. This is a mistake, and it is not my fault. I accidentally posted it twice because of a system glitch. I deleted one, but thanks to another system glitch--perhaps the same one--it still appears. Blogger has no record of a second "Summer Begins" post, and yet it still insists on displaying it. This is not April Fool's day, Blogger, and I am no April Fool. I do not appreciate your abuse, nor do I appreciate you snickering and pointing at me behind my back.

The world shall soon learn a dear lesson: do not make an enemy of a dolphin.

Actually, scratch that. I'm gonna get a burrito.

Summer Begins

It's a little known fact: dolphins hate summer. It dehydrates us. It heats up our oceans and pools. It creates storms that make us dizzy. But worst of all: it brings out the bugs.

There haven't been a lot of flies or mosquitoes out yet this year--thank the Good Lord--but once they rear their ugly, miniscule heads, I FREAK OUT. It's like they've got some blood feud they need to settle against me. What did I do? I can't even swat the suckers because of the limited finspan.

I've thought of a few solutions, and I plan to try them out in the following order:
1. Dress up in a mosquito suit. If I look like one of their own, they might leave me alone. And that rhymes, so it must be true.
2. Migrate. I actually think some dolphins do this already, but I'm not sure. I guess I've been in man's world so long, I don't even know my own kind. I'm like a duck among swans, or vice versa.
3. Melt the ice caps. If the world floods, there won't be any land for the mosquitoes to live on! I haven't really thought this one out, though.
4. Cryogenic freezing. I can freeze myself for like 50 million years and hope mosquitoes are extinct by then. Or, considering how mosquitoes used to be huge in the prehistoric times, maybe the trend will continue and they'll get too small to be bothersome. And if cryogenic freezing isn't perfected, there's always time travel.
5. Kill everyone. Mosquitoes can't survive without people to suck on, right? So we get rid of the people, we get rid of the mosquitoes. End of problem.

Some small part of me hopes I'll get to number five.

Insomnia and the Breaking News

I can't sleep. My total sleepless time is now...actually, I can't figure out how many hours it's been. But I'm really freaking tired.

People seem to have this idea that fish don't sleep. This is not true. I've known a few fish really well, and they sleep a lot. They're good at it, too. Sometimes they're asleep even when their eyes are wide open. Sea mammals, on the other hand, have to close their eyes to sleep. I don't remember exactly what that had to do with what I was saying. I'm so tired right now.

But there was something else I was going to say. People are starting to abuse my mailbag. Both Scott McClellan and Princess Juliana somehow got my email address and sent me messages about lowering my mortgage and saving someone with cancer or something. I would like to point out that neither of these emails were questions, and I will not stand mockery. I served my country. I have my dignity. And whether or not those last two statements are true, spam sucks.

I was going to explain why it's impossible for me to blog without sleep, but I can't remember how it's possible for me to blog in the first place. These fins make typing cumbersome. This entry took me 12 hours to write.

Don't Ask Flipper

After four glowing successful weeks of Flipper's Mailbag, it's time for the experiment to come to an end. We all have to shoot our own Ol' Yeller at some point in our lives, and now is my time to kill my beloved pet.

Of course I wouldn't have to do this if the masses hadn't failed me. I don't include you, dear readers, in that. You didn't fail me. You sent me questions, and I rewarded you with answers and laughter (I imagine). But everyone who doesn't read this blog really let me down.

So four weeks and four questions later, here we are, without any more questions asked and without any for me to answer. It's been a good run. Now I'll go back to my original mission, as stated in the subtitle. Soccer, world politics, beer: here I come.

Of course, there's the off-chance that I get another question sometime in the distant future, in which case Ask Flipper will be resurrected, but until then, ask your parents.

It's a Conspiracy

OK, I've had just about enough of the blatant dolphinophobia in this country. Today I had two--TWO--hate crimes committed against me. This brings the total of dolphin hate crimes I've heard of to a total of, um, 4. Wait, I mean 2. I accidentally counted them twice.

The first one happened this morning. I was walking down the street to visit my bank, minding my own business, and somebody stuffed a banana in my blowhole! Who does that? Who walks around with bananas and hopes to find a dolphin to harrass? Apparently a lot of people. Or at least one person, but I've found that wherever there's one person, there's maybe some more. I almost suffocated, and nobody did anything to help me. I had to go to the hospital.

Which leads to the second thing. Instead of taking me to the real hospital, they took me veterinary hospital! Hey people, I'm a mammal like you! I get to go to the mammal hospital! I've seen people take dogs and children to the ER, and next thing you know, they'll end up at the dirty, smelly vet's too.

This is a national travesty. I urge you to write your congressperson and tell them to include dolphinophobia in their hate crime legislation. I've already written Russ Feingold a few times, but he asked me to stop. Can that count as hate crime #3? Yeah, let's do that.

Nostalgia

This doesn't happen very often, but every now and then I find myself longing for the ocean. There's not a whole lot I miss about the ocean. It doesn't have much...well, land, and I've become fairly attached to that. Land is pretty sweet.

But sometimes it just hits me: I belong in the ocean. Not just because it's where I was born (actually, I might have been born in outer space, but there's no documented evidence for that), but because it's so free. I wish it was an easy place to visit, but it's one of those places that you can't bring yourself to leave once you get there. I miss swimming, I miss beating up the starfish, I miss those scenes I used to do when I would jump out of the water just as the sun was setting and they'd do a freeze frame so you could see my silhouette in front of the sun. And I guess I miss other dolphins. Most of the time, they're jerks. The rest of the time, they're...you know what? I hate dolphins.

Actually, screw the ocean. I think I'm gonna take up littering. Or oil spilling. How do you like them apples, dolphins!

Flipper's Question Corner

I didn't post much this last week because I've been busy. Actually, that's not true. I've been in jail. Actually, that's not true either. I've been lazy. But we're at another "Question of the Day" day, so here's the question. It's from my pal Jodi.

Flip - Can I call you Flip? I'm going to anyway.

I saw your mug shot on Smoking Gun. What's the deal?

Remember - your restraining order for me is 100 yards. I've got my poking stick out.

The first time I read this question, I couldn't really tell it was a question. No offense, Jodes. I wrapped my dolphin brain around it eventually.

Yes, you can call me Flip. Most people don't, but I'm pretty sure it's because those people are not creative. The Spanish-speaking people call these people aburridos, I think. (I learned a little Spanish from a crab. Not a treasured experience.)

Before I get to question number two, I should probably explain that I don't know what Smoking Gun is...unless it's like America's Most Wanted. Because they caught my cousin Ripper for killing a lot of people. In which case, you probably saw Ripper and not me.

But if it's something different, I don't know what the deal is. When in doubt, chalk it up to fraud. Or libel. That's one of the rules I learned from being a celebrity. So the deal is probably fraud. Or libel.

Thank you for your question Jodi!


I'd also like to give a friendly "what's up" to my bros at www.askaninja.com. The Ninja answers questions; I answer questions. We've got something in common. Unfortunately I can't do the audio thing cuz I don't have any of those human speech organs, but props to the Ninja on that one. I'd like to see us team up. Maybe do "Ask a Ninja Dolphin," or something. But he'd probably have to kill me, and I probably wouldn't appreciate that.

Ask Flipper...Again

Thanks everybody for your outpouring of questions! I've received dozens of replies, and they're all much more interesting than I expected. Take this one, for instance, from Mark.

Can you tell me what you slapped those douchebag hippies with? Like,
was it your tail? Or your long mouth? Or your huge genitalia?

Before we get to the actual question, I feel like I should clarify something about dolphin anatomy. It is actually very difficult for a dolphin to move his head in a side-to-side fashion that would result in slapping someone with the "bottlenose" (which, thank you Mark, is actually a mouth). It involves a full-body motion that most dolphins tend to avoid, except for extremely dangerous situations and parties.

But to answer your question, I actually slapped the hippies with fins. Considering our positions in that vehicle, the fins were the easily the slappers of choice. After a while, though, I got bored of the same old fin slap, and I started to make it interesting. Sometimes I'd wave them to come nearer so I could tell them a secret, but then I'd slap them. Sometimes I used misdirection, waving one fin to keep them distracted and then slapping them with the other. There's really no end to the fun one can have playing with hippies.

Thanks for the question, Mark, and the rest of you remember to send your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

Me vs. Dilophosaurus

Recently I was harrassed by a certain dinosaur called a dilophosaurus. Some of you may remember this dinosaur as the cute little thing in Jurassic Park that wasted Newman from Seinfeld with some acid spit or something. This dinosaur harrassed me by saying, and I quote, "I could take you."

I dispute this claim.

I'll overlook the fact that dinosaurs are extinct and this spitting business was ungrounded speculation. That's not the issue. The issue is the face-off. This dilophosaurus is four feet tall and, aside from this acid spit crap, completely defenseless. I, however, am comparatively large and, well, similarly defenseless. But I'm resourceful and have a long, storied history of foiling many-a-smuggler, and the only thing the dilophosaurus ever took down is a slow, confused fat guy. That gives me the advantage. So assuming I can get past the spit (and trust me, that won't be a problem), this fight is smooth sailing for yours truly. I win.

This brings the tally to:
Flipper 1, Challengers 0.

Flipper's Mailbag, Part 2

Today's letter comes from Christine. She writes,

Do you have any plans to write a children's book anytime soon?

Why the hate?,
Christine

I'm not used to answering two questions at once, but I'll try. The first question will be labeled "1," and the second will be labeled "2."

1. No.
2. What hate?

Thanks for writing!


Send in your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

Fear

I've recently heard some threats that the Facebook administrative team is going to delete my facebook profile on the grounds that it is "ficticious." I am outraged. What right do they have to call me "ficticious," when it is unescapably clear that I am real. This will not stand.

Should it stand, though, I invite you, my comrades and compatriots, to send as many belligerent emails as you'd like to the facebook team (info@facebook.com) and protest their policies of profiling and discrimination against so-called fake profiles. We must stand up and protect our rights!

Also protect the rights of Wok of Shame and One Nightstand.

Flipper's Mailbag, Episode 1

Your response to the mailbag was overwhelming. I got three letters! That means, assuming I make this a weekly event, I'll have three whole weeks of questions to answer! YES!

So question number one comes from someone with the initial "J." "J" writes:
Can you explain the 5 tenants of Calvinism?

While I could be a jerk and answer simply, "Yes I can," I will instead explain them. However, I don't know anything about anything about Calvinism, so I'm going to stick with my trademark smart-assery.

The 5 Tenets of Calvin-and-Hobbesism
1. Tigers are Awesome
In the Calvin and Hobbes world, the Tiger is second only to the Boy. The Tiger provides wise counsel, witty and sarcastic comments, and a wondrous existence (also known as the 3 Ws, or the Trinity). In a sense the Tiger is our guide in our new life.

2. Ugly and Annoying Are the Girls
There's no room for girls if you're a follower of Calivn and Hobbes. They can be tempting, but you must remember that it is much better to chuck snowballs at them or make fun of them.

3. Lawyers? Not Likely.
We are not going to be lawyers when we grow up. End of story.

4. Imagination is How to Live
Let's face it, the real world both sucks and is boring. We need to use our imaginations if we're ever going to survive. This means cloning machines, dinosaur worlds, space battles, and such and such. Without them, we're nothing.

5. Parents Are Evil but Necessary
We all know that parents are the bane of our existence. They try to feed us vegetables and get us to bed at a reasonable time, and it probably violates some major human rights. On the other hand, they save us from monsters under the bed, so we have to compromise.

(NOTE: I actually did some research--gasp--but I could not determine whether or not it was the five "tenets" or "tenants." This is probably where a dolphin's understanding of the English language will get us nowhere.)


Send in your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

Flipper Interactive

Originally I wanted to wait until I had a wider readership to launch this, but seeing as that's never going to happen, I'm launching it now.

Operation: Flipper's Mailbag!

Send in your questions to the all-knowing (well, nearly all-knowing) Flipper, and have them answered in a weekly feature! Ask me about world news. Ask me about movie times. Ask me about the weather. Or ask me about something you wouldn't find in your local newspaper. You could even ask me about your future. I'm not psychic, but I can try!

I will set up an email account for the mailbag later. I'm pretty tired right now. But I will tell you right now: if I don't get any questions, I will make some up and put your name on them. That will be embarrassing.

Now the address: Send Flipper your questions to...
flippersmailbag@gmail.com

Where I've Been for the Past Month

I'm glad no one was worried about me during my near month-long absence from the blogging world. Turns out I was pretty busy. Allow me to explain.

It all started on spring break. I was taking it easy, studying it up at Helen C., when all of a sudden a couple hoodlums came up and kidnapped me. Put a black bag over my head and everything. I considered the options (frat prank, Dolphin Liberation Organization, surprise bachelor party), but none of those made sense (frat guys love me, I work for the DLO, and it wasn't 1978). They threw me in a pool in the back of a truck and drove me off somewhere.

We stopped in what I could only assume was Denver, and I got dropped off at what seemed like a zoo. From what I overheard, I was supposed to be the star dolphin of the daily show after their two dolphins died of fin rot. I was yet another victim of dolphin zooification.

I performed the first couple shows under the name Misty, which I understood was the name of one of their recently deceased dolphins. I don't know why they did that, especially considering I'm much more famous than some jerk I've never heard of, but I tolerated it. By the second week I was there, though, they had all their publicity together and let the community know about their new dolphin. Unfortunately, their publicity guy was hard of hearing, so when the dolphinologists told him that the new zoo dolphin was Flipper the Dolphin, he heard it as Hitler the Dolphin. (Believe it or not, this has happened before.) The newspaper articles called me Hitler, the zoo ads called me Hitler, and the banner above my tank read, "HITLER THE DOLPHIN" in giant letters. The zoo patrons all pelted me with cabbage.

So I was kicked out of the zoo about a week after that. They decided not to ship me back to Madtown. There was some legal loophole about no one being allowed to fund any entity named Hitler. So I was stranded in what I could only assume was Denver until a bunch of hippies picked me up. It was a pretty uneventful ride. They liked talking a lot about the environment and stupid music and women's rights, so I eventually just told them to shut up. Anytime any of them tried to say anything, I'd slap 'em in the face and say, "Shut up." Eventually they learned to keep quiet. I could tell they wanted me out of the car, but I bought it from them for a cookie (which was actually already theirs) when they were high.

I got back to Madison just yesterday. I apparently missed three tests, probably failed all my classes, lost my fellowship, and most likely will have no chance to get grad degree. But at least I have some douchebag hippies' car.

Spring Break. 2006.

Well, spring break's on the way, and that means it's time to relax and study while all the wackos go crazy for a week. You might think I'm kidding, me being the party dolphin that I am, but I'm serious. I get half of all my work for the spring semester done during spring break because there's no one around to bother me. I sometimes start to feel like a square, especially when I put on my reading glasses--that's right, I wear glasses--but to counteract that I always have a Van Damme marathon at the end of every spring break. This year I'm planning on getting Universal Soldier, The Order, and Double Team. Hope y'all have a good time; I know I will.

This Is Why We're Endangered

At least I think we're endangered. Whatever.

Apparently, another zoo dolphin died. Let me be the first to say that this is a load of crap. Dolphins don't just "die" in zoos, people kill them. Countless years of abuse at the hands of zookeepers and patrons alike. I've been there. Well, not exactly, but I have friends who have, and it's humiliating.

What offends me most is the name the zoos give us. Rio? Come on. That's just demeaning. And Harley? Do we even marginally resemble motorbikes? Didn't think so. I know nothing can match the heroic and regal moniker of Flipper, but you'd think they'd try a little harder.

EDIT: I've just been informed that Flipper was a name passed onto me by the opressors. Henceforth I shall be known as Kakakyak.

EDIT, part 2: Nuts to that. I'm sticking with Flipper.

My Thoughts on the Oscars

After nearly forty years, I've come to accept that I'm not going to get nominated for an Oscar or win in a surprise fluke that gives the award to someone who wasn't nominated. I'm fine with it. But since nearly all of my Oscar-viewing experienced was spent venting frustration about and struggling to deal with the fact that I would not win yet again, I didn't really pay attention to what was going on. So I still don't know who won.

This One's For the Ladies

In the past several years of being a former hot celebrity, I've been approached by a number of women who want me to father their children. I've got no problem with such proposals, but I feel it's my duty to warn the ladies about certain difficulties they might encounter in their quest for Flipper's children.

First, the doin' it. We've got two options. One, we're in my aquarium, in which case it's quite possible you might drown (it's happened before, and it's a mess, so I don't recommend it). Two, we're on a bed or a couch somewhere, but I can only handle that for an hour tops. Also, I can't so much maneuver on land, so you'd have to do all the work. Even then, though, it gets a bit uncomfortable with the dorsal fin jamming into whatever we're on. So I apologize in advance if the sexual experience isn't all you'd hoped it would be.

Second, the gestation period. Dolphins take 12 months. In my past experience, though, the combination of dolphin and human DNA actually adds the two gestation periods together, so it takes nearly two years for your Flipper baby to be born. It's not that bad. It's just a long time to be pregnant.

And third, the horrible disfigurement. Most of the ladies are so possessed by their lust that they don't realize that a dolphin-human hybrid is an incredibly hideous creature. Unless you're of the "all children are beautiful" persuasion, I suggest you use birth control when having sex with me (I don't use condoms, baby).

Lastly, I promise you that I will have absolutely nothing to do with raising our child. The first time I knocked someone up, I made a concerted effort to be there for the kid, but he tried to kill me on three or four separate occasions. Ever since then, I pretty much cut off all communication with the babies' mommas. Just so you know.

On Wisconsin

One question that I've surprisingly never been asked is how I came to take up residence in Wisconsin. The honest answer is I don't know. I have no idea how I got here, but when I realized I was here, I just felt like staying. You'd think the proper habitat for a dolphin would be an ocean, but you'd be wrong. It's Wisconsin.

The last thing I remember before I woke up in Wisconsin was hanging out in the Chicago aquarium, making friends with and eating the fishies. I think I got tazered or something cuz next thing I knew I was in some lake in what looked like the middle of nowhere.

So what keeps a dolphin in Wisconsin? That's easy. Beer, especially cheap beer.

It's About Flippin' Time!

At long last, your pal Flipper has a blog. Now I can finally tell you about all the stuff I do. Not that it's that interesting. For instance, today I swam around on the couch and ate nachos all day.

I dunno, maybe something hilarious will happen to me sometime. I mean, I am a former celebrity. Funny things happen to former celebrities all the time, and only some of them are degrading.

I just hope this won't be all about things I did in the '70s while I was on coke.