This One's For the Ladies

In the past several years of being a former hot celebrity, I've been approached by a number of women who want me to father their children. I've got no problem with such proposals, but I feel it's my duty to warn the ladies about certain difficulties they might encounter in their quest for Flipper's children.

First, the doin' it. We've got two options. One, we're in my aquarium, in which case it's quite possible you might drown (it's happened before, and it's a mess, so I don't recommend it). Two, we're on a bed or a couch somewhere, but I can only handle that for an hour tops. Also, I can't so much maneuver on land, so you'd have to do all the work. Even then, though, it gets a bit uncomfortable with the dorsal fin jamming into whatever we're on. So I apologize in advance if the sexual experience isn't all you'd hoped it would be.

Second, the gestation period. Dolphins take 12 months. In my past experience, though, the combination of dolphin and human DNA actually adds the two gestation periods together, so it takes nearly two years for your Flipper baby to be born. It's not that bad. It's just a long time to be pregnant.

And third, the horrible disfigurement. Most of the ladies are so possessed by their lust that they don't realize that a dolphin-human hybrid is an incredibly hideous creature. Unless you're of the "all children are beautiful" persuasion, I suggest you use birth control when having sex with me (I don't use condoms, baby).

Lastly, I promise you that I will have absolutely nothing to do with raising our child. The first time I knocked someone up, I made a concerted effort to be there for the kid, but he tried to kill me on three or four separate occasions. Ever since then, I pretty much cut off all communication with the babies' mommas. Just so you know.