This weekend is my annual Flag Day party. I use "my" loosely because I don't actually host it. I just find one to attend every year. I suppose I also use "Flag Day" loosely because the party usually has nothing to do with that. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never crashed a party this close to Flag Day before. It's just a bunch of rich snobs hanging out at a country club and wearing tuxes or whatever. So I'm about to don my custom tuxedo (it's my only piece of clothing that I didn't have to cut a hole for dorsal fin) and top hat, pick up my cane and monocle, and fake being rich and snobby at the local fancy place.
Here's what last year's party was pretty much like:
RICH GUY #1: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. ...
ME: Billionaire. Mr. Roger Flippington Billionaire.
RICH GUY #1: That's quite an impressive...name you have there.
ME: Yes. Quite. Do you have a cigar?
RICH GUY #1: I don't think I've ever seen someone of your...complexion smoke a cigar.
ME: I do it often. Frequently, in fact.
RICH GUY #2: (walking up to join the conversation) Good God! Who invited this--
RICH GUY #1: Fine gentleman is Mr. Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Ahem. Yes. A pleasure. It's no wonder, with a monocle like that....
ME: I make an effort to have a monocle on hand for every occasion. Nothing shows people that I'm better than them like a monocle.
RICH GUY #2: Are you a member of this club Mr. ...?
ME: Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Yes, Mr. Billionaire.
ME: I most certainly am.
RICH GUY #2: I was under the impression that we did not allow beasts into the club.
RICH GUY #1: Go easy on the chap, Carlton.
ME: Well, good sir, I have already eaten all the free food this soiree has to offer, I have befouled the swimming pool, and I've laughed haughtily at more than a few jokes I did not understand, so I believe the point is moot. Good day.
RICH GUY #1: (as I walk away) There goes the most fantastic creature I've ever met.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment