It's a little known fact: dolphins hate summer. It dehydrates us. It heats up our oceans and pools. It creates storms that make us dizzy. But worst of all: it brings out the bugs.
There haven't been a lot of flies or mosquitoes out yet this year--thank the Good Lord--but once they rear their ugly, miniscule heads, I FREAK OUT. It's like they've got some blood feud they need to settle against me. What did I do? I can't even swat the suckers because of the limited finspan.
I've thought of a few solutions, and I plan to try them out in the following order:
1. Dress up in a mosquito suit. If I look like one of their own, they might leave me alone. And that rhymes, so it must be true.
2. Migrate. I actually think some dolphins do this already, but I'm not sure. I guess I've been in man's world so long, I don't even know my own kind. I'm like a duck among swans, or vice versa.
3. Melt the ice caps. If the world floods, there won't be any land for the mosquitoes to live on! I haven't really thought this one out, though.
4. Cryogenic freezing. I can freeze myself for like 50 million years and hope mosquitoes are extinct by then. Or, considering how mosquitoes used to be huge in the prehistoric times, maybe the trend will continue and they'll get too small to be bothersome. And if cryogenic freezing isn't perfected, there's always time travel.
5. Kill everyone. Mosquitoes can't survive without people to suck on, right? So we get rid of the people, we get rid of the mosquitoes. End of problem.
Some small part of me hopes I'll get to number five.
No comments:
Post a Comment