Where I've Been for the Past Month

I'm glad no one was worried about me during my near month-long absence from the blogging world. Turns out I was pretty busy. Allow me to explain.

It all started on spring break. I was taking it easy, studying it up at Helen C., when all of a sudden a couple hoodlums came up and kidnapped me. Put a black bag over my head and everything. I considered the options (frat prank, Dolphin Liberation Organization, surprise bachelor party), but none of those made sense (frat guys love me, I work for the DLO, and it wasn't 1978). They threw me in a pool in the back of a truck and drove me off somewhere.

We stopped in what I could only assume was Denver, and I got dropped off at what seemed like a zoo. From what I overheard, I was supposed to be the star dolphin of the daily show after their two dolphins died of fin rot. I was yet another victim of dolphin zooification.

I performed the first couple shows under the name Misty, which I understood was the name of one of their recently deceased dolphins. I don't know why they did that, especially considering I'm much more famous than some jerk I've never heard of, but I tolerated it. By the second week I was there, though, they had all their publicity together and let the community know about their new dolphin. Unfortunately, their publicity guy was hard of hearing, so when the dolphinologists told him that the new zoo dolphin was Flipper the Dolphin, he heard it as Hitler the Dolphin. (Believe it or not, this has happened before.) The newspaper articles called me Hitler, the zoo ads called me Hitler, and the banner above my tank read, "HITLER THE DOLPHIN" in giant letters. The zoo patrons all pelted me with cabbage.

So I was kicked out of the zoo about a week after that. They decided not to ship me back to Madtown. There was some legal loophole about no one being allowed to fund any entity named Hitler. So I was stranded in what I could only assume was Denver until a bunch of hippies picked me up. It was a pretty uneventful ride. They liked talking a lot about the environment and stupid music and women's rights, so I eventually just told them to shut up. Anytime any of them tried to say anything, I'd slap 'em in the face and say, "Shut up." Eventually they learned to keep quiet. I could tell they wanted me out of the car, but I bought it from them for a cookie (which was actually already theirs) when they were high.

I got back to Madison just yesterday. I apparently missed three tests, probably failed all my classes, lost my fellowship, and most likely will have no chance to get grad degree. But at least I have some douchebag hippies' car.