Merry Christmas, Bipeds!

Christmas is now only 5-6 days away. That's exciting. Well, at least part of it is exciting, and that part is the presents! I didn't have anybody to get presents for this year (thank you very much, tuna industry and oppressive Hollywood regime), so I'm going to give recommendations for your family members.

Your dad: He probably likes tools, right? But I bet he has all the tools he needs. Or so you think! Get him a giant inflatable hammer! It's fun and useful, and he can deflate it and keep in his toolbox!

Your mom: Haha, "your mom." But seriously, there's tons of stuff you can get for the kitchen. Plates, bowls, spices, mixing thingies. It really depends on the meals you want her to make for you.

Your older brother: Brothers are usually easy to buy for, but the presents for them should work on multiple levels. That's why I suggest an exploding cake. Level one: yummy-looking cake--he'll like that. Level two: explosion--funny. Level three: face covered in cake--even more funny. Level four: eating cake off his face--delicious.

Your younger sister: Dolls and ponies are cliche, so you'll have to be really unique to get by for your sister. Get away from the "safe" ideas and put yourself out on a limb with a pet rat. They're clean and talented just like your sister is! For added gift fun, let it loose in the house ahead of time and tell her she has to find her present!


And if you don't have anyone to buy for, feel free to visit My Amazon.com Wish List and pick up something for your favorite celebrity dolphin (me).

Ask Flipper: From the Secret Archives

Thousands of years ago, on October 5th, 2006, I received this question from a mysterious person named "Anonymous." I answered it privately at the time, but now it must come to light. I've translated the original archaic dialect of the email into contemporary speech. And for this special release from Flipper's archives, I'll give a free sticker next time you see me.


Dear Flipper,

Why does asparagus make your pee smell?

Love,
Anonymous

Dear "Anonymous,"

I was told by a close informant that this was going to be a romance question. Either he was lying or you were. I've known him longer than I've known you, so it was probably him. It's not my problem that I trust people too easily, is it? I don't know.

Which reminds me of your question. My answer is I don't know. But here's a question for you: What kind of a question is that? Doesn't your pee smell no matter what you eat?

Here comes the squid again. Great.

Flipper.

Vincent van Blog

I just got a site tracker a little while ago, and the results are disturbing. I'm currently averaging less than three visits a day. It's not that I care about number of readers--I've gotten over the vanity phase of blogging--but I really expected my agent or publicist to get the word out a little better. I don't care if I'm washed up. For the amount I'm paying these people, I should have at least 500,000 hits per day. One for every dollar.

I would have thought that blogging is like art: you have to die before you get any attention. But I already faked my death, and nothing happened! What more does it take? My real death? Fat chance, web culture elite. I'm here til the Apocalypse, even if it means nobody ever reads my blog. At least I'll have a beard as long as the Nile.

Yes, dolphins can grow beards. We are mammals.

Gum

I want to chew gum. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a dolphin to chew gum? It's really hard. I keep swallowing it! I even tried a massive piece that wouldn't go down my throat so that it'd stay in my mouth, but I swallowed that too! Well, I would have swallowed it if it hadn't gotten stuck in my throat. Three marine biologists had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me.

(Funny thing about the dolphin Heimlich: the thing that's stuck goes out the blowhole, not the mouth. Nailed one of those biologists in the face pretty good. Gave him a black eye and possibly a concussion.)

Now I realize my teeth and mouth aren't made for chewing, but come on! Gum!

Ask Flipper: The Return

In the months I spent away from this blog, I still received questions meant for my "Ask Flipper" advice column. I've actually received over 200 messages, and that number grows by the day, which I find astonishing considering I get an average of 2 readers a day. But now that I've returned, I can once again help you with your concerns, ease your pain, and make fun of you.

Dear Flipper,
Last semester I fell in love with my Money and Banking professor. After careful consideration, I wanted to take it to the next level - I emailed him, gushing over how much I enjoyed his class - that he was the best economics professor I'd ever had. I commented on the perfect fit of his fleece pullovers, and how much I enjoyed his thoughtful chin/neck tugs during question and answer time.

His reply was simply:
"Nana,
Glad you enjoyed the course. Hope you enjoy your next semester.
Professor"

Is he into me?

Nana Bee

Dear Nana Bee,
Most people will tell you no, and they might be right, but can you afford to take that chance? Professors are usually very subtle or very shy, so yours probably just can't bring himself to say he loves you. "Glad you enjoyed the course," could mean "I really like you too." "Hope you enjoy your next semester," would be, "I'm free on Friday, stop by my office." I'm not saying he's definitely into you; professors can also totally forget about romantic subtext. But I think you should strike while the iron's hot, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, since it's been exactly two months since you asked this question, your professor is probably dead. Sorry!


You can send your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

The Century

Today I started to wonder what it will be like when I turn 100. I'm pretty sure no dolphin has ever done that before, but I'm sure I will. You see, I discovered a little something called "the fountain of youth." You may know it by its more popular name, mescaline. No, just kidding. Drugs are bad, as I say much more eloquently in my book.

But anyway, being 100. I wonder how well my cartilige will hold up. Will I lose my dorsal fin? And apparently old people get really hairy, so I'll have one of those old-man beards, all long and white and scraggly. And I'd have to get a straw hat and lose all my teeth and go around with a banjo. (It's no coincidence that my image of my 100-year-old self is the same as a hillbilly self. It's scientifically proven that the older a dolphin gets, the closer that dolphin tends toward hillbilliness, as illustrated by the graph below.)



You know how most people make a list of things they want to do before they die? I decided to make a list of things to do after I die. Then I more practically decided to make a list of things to do after I turn 100. Number one is sky-diving, and number two is win a hot-dog-eating contest. That's all I have so far.

The Road Back to Fame

I can only stand not being famous for so long. It's like air--you can go without it for 10 or 20 years, but any longer and you'll die. My fame clock is ticking to its end, and I plan to wind it back up. Say it with me now: sitcom!

I'm really surprised I didn't come up with this idea earlier. After all, I already worked in TV, I have an in at the networks, and who doesn't like to laugh? Let's face it, America, I belong on your television sets at 8 (7 central) every Monday evening.

The story is about me, the world's favorite dolphin, and the rest I haven't figured out quite yet. My options are either A) I'm working as a plumber in New York, B) I get an apartment in New York with a bear, C) I try to make it as a theater student at NYU, or D) All of the above. I think I'll call it "Fish Out of Water."

I already started writing the pilot, and I'll give you all a sneak peak at it.

Scene: Unusually spacious apartment in New York. Flipper enters with landlord.
LANDLORD: This is the place.
FLIPPER: I'll take it!
LANDLORD: Great. Your roommate's back there.
FLIPPER: Roommate?
Enter bear.
BEAR: Roommate?
LANDLORD: Looks like you guys are going to be the best of friends!

Who wouldn't buy this for eight seasons?

Ask Flipper Returns, sort of

It's been a long time since I answered your questions, and it'll probably be a while longer still. I've gotten about two questions since I quit writing that section, and I don't remember either of them. This slight return is meant more to address the questions that I have about myself.

1. Why did I get so much more spam than real questions in my mailbag?
Because I published the email address all over the internet like an idiot. Maybe if I tried to answer the queries and propositions given in that spam, I'd have something to do on Saturday nights instead of watching Johnny Mnemonic.

2. Why do I pretend like I live in Madison when I've actually been in Minneapolis for the past year?
To keep up the lie that was my facebook profile. To be completely honest, I never attended the University, and I certainly never would have studied criminal justice or Japanese or whatever I wrote on that profile. I would have pursued my real passion: musical theater.

3. Shouldn't I be dead by now for being out of water so long?
Probably, but I'm not gonna whine about it.

Business is for the Humans

When I was a kid, my parents would overhear the human parents tell their kids not to feed the animals. Most often they would say, "Don't feed the bears." For a long time, I thought they were idiots. I was worried the bears would die. (Thankfully, somebody fed them, but I learned later that bears die whether you feed them are not. So it is for all non-dolphin animals.) Anyway, today I learned why parents had to warn their children: because bears will become mad with hunger, open a sandwich business, and run it into the ground.

I meant to go to the Bear Rock Cafe today, as the bears' wares looked quite delicious whenever I would walk by. Unfortunately, the Bear Rock Cafe closed over a month ago, leaving me no choice for lunch but the greasy beef monstrosities that I eat every day.

Many people have confirmed to me that Bear Rock is indeed delicious, and the restaurant was full whenever I saw it. How could it go out of business? Knowing what I do about bears, it was probably a combination of the following: the bears who were running it ate most of their ingredients at great financial loss, the sandwich market was already fully saturated, the bears did not have enough fingers to be taken seriously in the human business world, and the insurance costs were unmanagable.

I can't wait to see one of those bears homeless on the street. I gonna punch him right in the nose and see if he tries something.

The Only Election That Matters

That's right, the first AP Poll for the 2006-2007 NCAA Men's Basketball season is out at last! Let's take a looksie.

1. Florida - They held onto most of the guys who brought them the championship last year, so they'll probably be in the Top 10 for the season. They've got what might be a tough schedule, though, unlike last year's road to the championship.
2. North Carolina - A young team last year, maybe now they're mature enough? Probably not. They could still finish on the top of the ACC, though.
3. Kansas - Another young team, they don't have a single Senior on their roster. But they played really well for young team last year, now that they've played together a while, they might have a chance.
4. Pittsburgh - Pitt tends to surprise by being better than expected or worse than expected. I expect them to be unranked by the end of the season, so they'll probably finish in the Top 5.
5. LSU - They lost Big Baby, so I don't see them holding onto this spot for long.
6. UCLA - They made it to the championship game, and they crumbled. But they're a big team, and big teams can push people
7. Ohio St. - No team rocks football and basketball in the same year.
8. Georgetown - Flipper's guarantee: two Hoyas will have been arrested by season's end.
9. Wisconsin - With Taylor and Tucker finally seniors, the Badgers pose a threat.
10. Arizona - Why does everybody like Arizona so much?
11. Alabama - Alabama always--always--ruins my brackets. I hate them.
12. Duke - Token rank. I don't think Duke has been unranked in the first poll ever.
13. Texas A&M - A&M? What does the M stand for? Mmmmmterrible?
14. Memphis - I keep thinking this refers to their NBA team. Which would be ranked about here in the college poll.
15. Boston College - Jesuit schools have gumption. They'll go far.
16. Marquette - See above comment about Jesuit schools.
17. Washington - Like the president? I thought he was dead.
18. Connecticut - Does anybody still play for this team? Six of their five starters were drafted last year.
19. Creighton - I don't get it.
20. Syracuse - Melo's totally going to get them another championship. I don't care that he's not on their team anymore; he can do it.
21. Texas - The twitch in my dorsal fin tells me these guys should be higher up, but my brain tells me they won't win more than 18 games this year.
22. Kentucky - Kentucky is one place I never want to think about.
23. Georgia Tech - These guys are my sentimental favorite for no reason whatsoever.
24. Nevada - If they end up with anything higher than an 8 seed in the tourney, I will be surprised. Not spit water out my blowhole surprised but surprised.
25. Tennessee - When has this team not been a disappointment to everyone paying attention? Also dangerously close to Kentucky.

Drunk

I already had liek four beers today, and I guess the dolphin's liver can't process alcohol very well cuz I'm WASTWED!

I went outside this morning to go to the grocery store, and there was a bunch of hippies telling me to vote. I've never seen so many idiots in my life. Not since I went to the Edison Museum or Alabama, anyway.

I didn't punch 'em cuz I was tired. I regret it when I don't punch the hippies, but meh.

But voting--geez. Didn't you hippies take your voting class? Dolphins can't vote! It's in the Constitution, right under the part about the freedom. Don't Americans read their holy documents?

So leave me alone. I don't vote, you don't send me to the zoo. We're even. Except for the ignorance. Stop being ignorant, hippies.

Post-Election Commentary

Some of you may wonder why or how I'm doing my post-election commentary five days before the election takes place. It's because I can travel through time. It's a nifty little trick I can do. I try to save it for special occasions like elections and events that offer free cake, though.

So as of November 21st--I went a little further ahead to get a good sense of how the election changed things--the United States is completely destroyed. I'm talking wasteland, burning rubble, nuclear fallout. I couldn't tell whether this was the wrath-of-God apocalypse or the let's-get-drunk-and-shoot-nukes-at-each-other apocalypse, but either way it didn't look good.

To really take in this post-apocalyptic landscape, I rented a Honda Incite (hybrid cars are better for the environment, after all) and drove around for a while. Saw a few mutants, a few naked people, and a few people with shotguns, so apparently not that much had changed. That put me at ease.

I wish I could tell you whether the Democrats or Republicans won the election so we can avoid this mildly dark vision of the future, but I have no idea. We're probably doomed either way. At least we'll be armed, mutated, or naked, right?

I Like Things

I realize that I tend to talk about things that I resent on this blog, and there's very little about things I enjoy. Today, I'll try to reverse that trend.

I like frisbee.

I like rabbits.

I like Mt. Rushmore.

I like George Harrison.

I like flying kites.

Wait, I don't really like frisbee that much.

I like tuna.

Wait, no, I don't like tuna either.

I guess that's it.

An Occasion to Narrow My Eyes

There's this new dolphin in the neighborhood, and he's really pissing me off. He just moved into my building, which is even more infuriating than if I saw him on the street because there are so many buildings in town to choose from, and I know for a fact that many of them are more dolphin-friendly than mine.

I'm used to being the only dolphin around town, so this new arrival is definitely unwelcome. This is my turf, and I don't take kindly to encroachers. I don't know exactly what this guy has planned in terms of challenging my position, but I'm already working on pre-empting him. Like when I brought his bag of groceries in, I faked like I was going to hit the bottom and launch it. He flinched, so it worked.

I noticed the other day that he's mostly hanging out with hipsters and shut-ins. At first I laughed at him, but then I realized that he's earning street cred by hanging with people who have integrity. It won't be long before he has a Vespa, and then I won't have a chance.

Sombrero Dream

Fact: Dolphins look good. If you want to get especially factual, dolphins look great.

Fact: The sombrero is the king of hats. Sombrero may indeed be Spanish for "you cannot wear a better hat than this."

Fact: When you combine two things of great awesomeness, you improve the quality of life for all mankind. Example: dinosaurs and baseball. Case and point.

Prepare your minds to be blown.




(Though I don't particularly care for giving credit where credit is due, this website is genius.)

Deportation

Moments after my glorious return and we're already having problems. When converting my blog to the new and exciting "beta" method, I stupidly used my friend's email address instead of my own. So he's pissed, and I'm screwed.

To solve this problem, I'll be doing two things. First, I'm leaving the country. It's not hard because I spend most of my time in international waters anyway, and I don't technically have a right to be in the United States. Second, I'll be exporting all my posts (excluding this one, probably) to my new site at flipperforevergangsta.blogspot.com. For the two or three of you who have links to this blog, they won't work for long.

I'll see you on the other side. Where I have more bling.

NOTE: This is actually the other side with the bling. Still waiting on most of the bling, though.

Resurrection

I am no longer dead. While I was debatably never dead to begin with, it is now official that I am alive. And I will probably write more in the future to demonstrate this fact.

Why am I alive, you ask? That's a good question. Why is any of us alive? Some are alive to improve the human experience, others are alive to play professional sports. Since I fit into neither of these categories, I am alive to blog.

So I return with a mission and renewed dedication. At least until I get run over by a train.

One Last Question for Flipper

Though I never expected to get another letter, I did get another letter. This one comes from "D-Rock," which I assume is a typo for Beastie Boys emcee Ad-Rock. He writes:

Flipswitch, if I may call you Flipswitch,

I was just wondering what you think is the single greatest issue confronting the fate of mankind and what you think we can do about it?

Cheers,
D-Rock

P.S. I would also like to know if you could shed light onto the incident you had with Echo from SeaQuest DSV back in 2001.

One. Why does everybody want to call me something different from Flipper? Isn't "Flipper" diminutive enough? And even though you didn't phrase it as a question, Mr. Rock, you may not call me Flipswitch. Mostly because I don't get it.

Two. Your question. I don't really care that much about mankind, so my opinion may be a little indifferent. I'm not gonna give you any of the usual global-warning, lack-of-sustainable-energy, AIDS-empidemic, people-should-stop-smoking liberal claptrap. The only real problem mankind is facing is declining movie attendance. We've known about this for years, and nobody's done anything. Hardly anyone even talks about it. We have several major studios losing buckets of money every year, and why? Because people can't suck up their pride and go to see a movie every week or so. If this trend continues, we'll soon have nothing but foreign films. What can we do? Go see more movies. If you don't like anything that's out, go see one that you liked three or four times. It's that simple. Hollywood needs your help.

Three. There are two things wrong with that request. Ecco the Dolphin is spelled with two cs, and Darwin was the star of SeaQuest, not Ecco. Ecco was the subject of a video game. I met him once; he's quite incredible, what with those sound wave things and whatever he does. But the incident with Darwin. He was in the midst of a steep decline and getting way too high on coke every night. One thing most people don't know about Darwin: he was always really annoying when sober, and then he turned into a belligerent ass on substances. So I was around him at some party one night, and when I refused to join him at the coke table, he threw the table at me. Yelled something about me and his girlfriend and how he was gonna kill me if I didn't shut up. I didn't understand a word of it, so I started walking away. Then he just died. I did not kill him. All that tabloid stuff was way off. So, clearing the record: I DID NOT KILL DARWIN.

Thanks for your letter!

Flipper, signing out.

An Old Dolphin

There's no point in avoiding the issue anymore: I'm old. Like really old. Like fifty-something. Most dolphins don't live past 40. I may be the oldest dolphin who ever lived.

I'm not really feeling my age. I can still swim and party like I used to. But not everybody feels that way. Some of the more knowledgable zoologists think it's time to put me down.

Now before you go freaking out about my impending death, let me explain a couple things to you. First, everybody dies, so suck it up. Second, I went to the doctor yesterday, and it turns out almost all my vital organs are cancerous. I did not see that coming.

I haven't decided if I'm going to let them do it or if I'm going to live out the rest of my natural life. Either way, I'll try to post from beyond the grave, but I don't know how that stuff works. I hear they don't have too many computers in heaven.

The One Time a Year When I Wear a Monocle

This weekend is my annual Flag Day party. I use "my" loosely because I don't actually host it. I just find one to attend every year. I suppose I also use "Flag Day" loosely because the party usually has nothing to do with that. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never crashed a party this close to Flag Day before. It's just a bunch of rich snobs hanging out at a country club and wearing tuxes or whatever. So I'm about to don my custom tuxedo (it's my only piece of clothing that I didn't have to cut a hole for dorsal fin) and top hat, pick up my cane and monocle, and fake being rich and snobby at the local fancy place.

Here's what last year's party was pretty much like:

RICH GUY #1: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. ...
ME: Billionaire. Mr. Roger Flippington Billionaire.
RICH GUY #1: That's quite an impressive...name you have there.
ME: Yes. Quite. Do you have a cigar?
RICH GUY #1: I don't think I've ever seen someone of your...complexion smoke a cigar.
ME: I do it often. Frequently, in fact.
RICH GUY #2: (walking up to join the conversation) Good God! Who invited this--
RICH GUY #1: Fine gentleman is Mr. Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Ahem. Yes. A pleasure. It's no wonder, with a monocle like that....
ME: I make an effort to have a monocle on hand for every occasion. Nothing shows people that I'm better than them like a monocle.
RICH GUY #2: Are you a member of this club Mr. ...?
ME: Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Yes, Mr. Billionaire.
ME: I most certainly am.
RICH GUY #2: I was under the impression that we did not allow beasts into the club.
RICH GUY #1: Go easy on the chap, Carlton.
ME: Well, good sir, I have already eaten all the free food this soiree has to offer, I have befouled the swimming pool, and I've laughed haughtily at more than a few jokes I did not understand, so I believe the point is moot. Good day.
RICH GUY #1: (as I walk away) There goes the most fantastic creature I've ever met.