Ask Flipper: The Return

In the months I spent away from this blog, I still received questions meant for my "Ask Flipper" advice column. I've actually received over 200 messages, and that number grows by the day, which I find astonishing considering I get an average of 2 readers a day. But now that I've returned, I can once again help you with your concerns, ease your pain, and make fun of you.

Dear Flipper,
Last semester I fell in love with my Money and Banking professor. After careful consideration, I wanted to take it to the next level - I emailed him, gushing over how much I enjoyed his class - that he was the best economics professor I'd ever had. I commented on the perfect fit of his fleece pullovers, and how much I enjoyed his thoughtful chin/neck tugs during question and answer time.

His reply was simply:
"Nana,
Glad you enjoyed the course. Hope you enjoy your next semester.
Professor"

Is he into me?

Nana Bee

Dear Nana Bee,
Most people will tell you no, and they might be right, but can you afford to take that chance? Professors are usually very subtle or very shy, so yours probably just can't bring himself to say he loves you. "Glad you enjoyed the course," could mean "I really like you too." "Hope you enjoy your next semester," would be, "I'm free on Friday, stop by my office." I'm not saying he's definitely into you; professors can also totally forget about romantic subtext. But I think you should strike while the iron's hot, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, since it's been exactly two months since you asked this question, your professor is probably dead. Sorry!


You can send your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

The Century

Today I started to wonder what it will be like when I turn 100. I'm pretty sure no dolphin has ever done that before, but I'm sure I will. You see, I discovered a little something called "the fountain of youth." You may know it by its more popular name, mescaline. No, just kidding. Drugs are bad, as I say much more eloquently in my book.

But anyway, being 100. I wonder how well my cartilige will hold up. Will I lose my dorsal fin? And apparently old people get really hairy, so I'll have one of those old-man beards, all long and white and scraggly. And I'd have to get a straw hat and lose all my teeth and go around with a banjo. (It's no coincidence that my image of my 100-year-old self is the same as a hillbilly self. It's scientifically proven that the older a dolphin gets, the closer that dolphin tends toward hillbilliness, as illustrated by the graph below.)



You know how most people make a list of things they want to do before they die? I decided to make a list of things to do after I die. Then I more practically decided to make a list of things to do after I turn 100. Number one is sky-diving, and number two is win a hot-dog-eating contest. That's all I have so far.

The Road Back to Fame

I can only stand not being famous for so long. It's like air--you can go without it for 10 or 20 years, but any longer and you'll die. My fame clock is ticking to its end, and I plan to wind it back up. Say it with me now: sitcom!

I'm really surprised I didn't come up with this idea earlier. After all, I already worked in TV, I have an in at the networks, and who doesn't like to laugh? Let's face it, America, I belong on your television sets at 8 (7 central) every Monday evening.

The story is about me, the world's favorite dolphin, and the rest I haven't figured out quite yet. My options are either A) I'm working as a plumber in New York, B) I get an apartment in New York with a bear, C) I try to make it as a theater student at NYU, or D) All of the above. I think I'll call it "Fish Out of Water."

I already started writing the pilot, and I'll give you all a sneak peak at it.

Scene: Unusually spacious apartment in New York. Flipper enters with landlord.
LANDLORD: This is the place.
FLIPPER: I'll take it!
LANDLORD: Great. Your roommate's back there.
FLIPPER: Roommate?
Enter bear.
BEAR: Roommate?
LANDLORD: Looks like you guys are going to be the best of friends!

Who wouldn't buy this for eight seasons?

Ask Flipper Returns, sort of

It's been a long time since I answered your questions, and it'll probably be a while longer still. I've gotten about two questions since I quit writing that section, and I don't remember either of them. This slight return is meant more to address the questions that I have about myself.

1. Why did I get so much more spam than real questions in my mailbag?
Because I published the email address all over the internet like an idiot. Maybe if I tried to answer the queries and propositions given in that spam, I'd have something to do on Saturday nights instead of watching Johnny Mnemonic.

2. Why do I pretend like I live in Madison when I've actually been in Minneapolis for the past year?
To keep up the lie that was my facebook profile. To be completely honest, I never attended the University, and I certainly never would have studied criminal justice or Japanese or whatever I wrote on that profile. I would have pursued my real passion: musical theater.

3. Shouldn't I be dead by now for being out of water so long?
Probably, but I'm not gonna whine about it.

Business is for the Humans

When I was a kid, my parents would overhear the human parents tell their kids not to feed the animals. Most often they would say, "Don't feed the bears." For a long time, I thought they were idiots. I was worried the bears would die. (Thankfully, somebody fed them, but I learned later that bears die whether you feed them are not. So it is for all non-dolphin animals.) Anyway, today I learned why parents had to warn their children: because bears will become mad with hunger, open a sandwich business, and run it into the ground.

I meant to go to the Bear Rock Cafe today, as the bears' wares looked quite delicious whenever I would walk by. Unfortunately, the Bear Rock Cafe closed over a month ago, leaving me no choice for lunch but the greasy beef monstrosities that I eat every day.

Many people have confirmed to me that Bear Rock is indeed delicious, and the restaurant was full whenever I saw it. How could it go out of business? Knowing what I do about bears, it was probably a combination of the following: the bears who were running it ate most of their ingredients at great financial loss, the sandwich market was already fully saturated, the bears did not have enough fingers to be taken seriously in the human business world, and the insurance costs were unmanagable.

I can't wait to see one of those bears homeless on the street. I gonna punch him right in the nose and see if he tries something.

The Only Election That Matters

That's right, the first AP Poll for the 2006-2007 NCAA Men's Basketball season is out at last! Let's take a looksie.

1. Florida - They held onto most of the guys who brought them the championship last year, so they'll probably be in the Top 10 for the season. They've got what might be a tough schedule, though, unlike last year's road to the championship.
2. North Carolina - A young team last year, maybe now they're mature enough? Probably not. They could still finish on the top of the ACC, though.
3. Kansas - Another young team, they don't have a single Senior on their roster. But they played really well for young team last year, now that they've played together a while, they might have a chance.
4. Pittsburgh - Pitt tends to surprise by being better than expected or worse than expected. I expect them to be unranked by the end of the season, so they'll probably finish in the Top 5.
5. LSU - They lost Big Baby, so I don't see them holding onto this spot for long.
6. UCLA - They made it to the championship game, and they crumbled. But they're a big team, and big teams can push people
7. Ohio St. - No team rocks football and basketball in the same year.
8. Georgetown - Flipper's guarantee: two Hoyas will have been arrested by season's end.
9. Wisconsin - With Taylor and Tucker finally seniors, the Badgers pose a threat.
10. Arizona - Why does everybody like Arizona so much?
11. Alabama - Alabama always--always--ruins my brackets. I hate them.
12. Duke - Token rank. I don't think Duke has been unranked in the first poll ever.
13. Texas A&M - A&M? What does the M stand for? Mmmmmterrible?
14. Memphis - I keep thinking this refers to their NBA team. Which would be ranked about here in the college poll.
15. Boston College - Jesuit schools have gumption. They'll go far.
16. Marquette - See above comment about Jesuit schools.
17. Washington - Like the president? I thought he was dead.
18. Connecticut - Does anybody still play for this team? Six of their five starters were drafted last year.
19. Creighton - I don't get it.
20. Syracuse - Melo's totally going to get them another championship. I don't care that he's not on their team anymore; he can do it.
21. Texas - The twitch in my dorsal fin tells me these guys should be higher up, but my brain tells me they won't win more than 18 games this year.
22. Kentucky - Kentucky is one place I never want to think about.
23. Georgia Tech - These guys are my sentimental favorite for no reason whatsoever.
24. Nevada - If they end up with anything higher than an 8 seed in the tourney, I will be surprised. Not spit water out my blowhole surprised but surprised.
25. Tennessee - When has this team not been a disappointment to everyone paying attention? Also dangerously close to Kentucky.

Drunk

I already had liek four beers today, and I guess the dolphin's liver can't process alcohol very well cuz I'm WASTWED!

I went outside this morning to go to the grocery store, and there was a bunch of hippies telling me to vote. I've never seen so many idiots in my life. Not since I went to the Edison Museum or Alabama, anyway.

I didn't punch 'em cuz I was tired. I regret it when I don't punch the hippies, but meh.

But voting--geez. Didn't you hippies take your voting class? Dolphins can't vote! It's in the Constitution, right under the part about the freedom. Don't Americans read their holy documents?

So leave me alone. I don't vote, you don't send me to the zoo. We're even. Except for the ignorance. Stop being ignorant, hippies.

Post-Election Commentary

Some of you may wonder why or how I'm doing my post-election commentary five days before the election takes place. It's because I can travel through time. It's a nifty little trick I can do. I try to save it for special occasions like elections and events that offer free cake, though.

So as of November 21st--I went a little further ahead to get a good sense of how the election changed things--the United States is completely destroyed. I'm talking wasteland, burning rubble, nuclear fallout. I couldn't tell whether this was the wrath-of-God apocalypse or the let's-get-drunk-and-shoot-nukes-at-each-other apocalypse, but either way it didn't look good.

To really take in this post-apocalyptic landscape, I rented a Honda Incite (hybrid cars are better for the environment, after all) and drove around for a while. Saw a few mutants, a few naked people, and a few people with shotguns, so apparently not that much had changed. That put me at ease.

I wish I could tell you whether the Democrats or Republicans won the election so we can avoid this mildly dark vision of the future, but I have no idea. We're probably doomed either way. At least we'll be armed, mutated, or naked, right?