Merry Christmas, Bipeds!

Christmas is now only 5-6 days away. That's exciting. Well, at least part of it is exciting, and that part is the presents! I didn't have anybody to get presents for this year (thank you very much, tuna industry and oppressive Hollywood regime), so I'm going to give recommendations for your family members.

Your dad: He probably likes tools, right? But I bet he has all the tools he needs. Or so you think! Get him a giant inflatable hammer! It's fun and useful, and he can deflate it and keep in his toolbox!

Your mom: Haha, "your mom." But seriously, there's tons of stuff you can get for the kitchen. Plates, bowls, spices, mixing thingies. It really depends on the meals you want her to make for you.

Your older brother: Brothers are usually easy to buy for, but the presents for them should work on multiple levels. That's why I suggest an exploding cake. Level one: yummy-looking cake--he'll like that. Level two: explosion--funny. Level three: face covered in cake--even more funny. Level four: eating cake off his face--delicious.

Your younger sister: Dolls and ponies are cliche, so you'll have to be really unique to get by for your sister. Get away from the "safe" ideas and put yourself out on a limb with a pet rat. They're clean and talented just like your sister is! For added gift fun, let it loose in the house ahead of time and tell her she has to find her present!


And if you don't have anyone to buy for, feel free to visit My Amazon.com Wish List and pick up something for your favorite celebrity dolphin (me).

Ask Flipper: From the Secret Archives

Thousands of years ago, on October 5th, 2006, I received this question from a mysterious person named "Anonymous." I answered it privately at the time, but now it must come to light. I've translated the original archaic dialect of the email into contemporary speech. And for this special release from Flipper's archives, I'll give a free sticker next time you see me.


Dear Flipper,

Why does asparagus make your pee smell?

Love,
Anonymous

Dear "Anonymous,"

I was told by a close informant that this was going to be a romance question. Either he was lying or you were. I've known him longer than I've known you, so it was probably him. It's not my problem that I trust people too easily, is it? I don't know.

Which reminds me of your question. My answer is I don't know. But here's a question for you: What kind of a question is that? Doesn't your pee smell no matter what you eat?

Here comes the squid again. Great.

Flipper.

Vincent van Blog

I just got a site tracker a little while ago, and the results are disturbing. I'm currently averaging less than three visits a day. It's not that I care about number of readers--I've gotten over the vanity phase of blogging--but I really expected my agent or publicist to get the word out a little better. I don't care if I'm washed up. For the amount I'm paying these people, I should have at least 500,000 hits per day. One for every dollar.

I would have thought that blogging is like art: you have to die before you get any attention. But I already faked my death, and nothing happened! What more does it take? My real death? Fat chance, web culture elite. I'm here til the Apocalypse, even if it means nobody ever reads my blog. At least I'll have a beard as long as the Nile.

Yes, dolphins can grow beards. We are mammals.

Gum

I want to chew gum. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a dolphin to chew gum? It's really hard. I keep swallowing it! I even tried a massive piece that wouldn't go down my throat so that it'd stay in my mouth, but I swallowed that too! Well, I would have swallowed it if it hadn't gotten stuck in my throat. Three marine biologists had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me.

(Funny thing about the dolphin Heimlich: the thing that's stuck goes out the blowhole, not the mouth. Nailed one of those biologists in the face pretty good. Gave him a black eye and possibly a concussion.)

Now I realize my teeth and mouth aren't made for chewing, but come on! Gum!