An Old Dolphin

There's no point in avoiding the issue anymore: I'm old. Like really old. Like fifty-something. Most dolphins don't live past 40. I may be the oldest dolphin who ever lived.

I'm not really feeling my age. I can still swim and party like I used to. But not everybody feels that way. Some of the more knowledgable zoologists think it's time to put me down.

Now before you go freaking out about my impending death, let me explain a couple things to you. First, everybody dies, so suck it up. Second, I went to the doctor yesterday, and it turns out almost all my vital organs are cancerous. I did not see that coming.

I haven't decided if I'm going to let them do it or if I'm going to live out the rest of my natural life. Either way, I'll try to post from beyond the grave, but I don't know how that stuff works. I hear they don't have too many computers in heaven.

The One Time a Year When I Wear a Monocle

This weekend is my annual Flag Day party. I use "my" loosely because I don't actually host it. I just find one to attend every year. I suppose I also use "Flag Day" loosely because the party usually has nothing to do with that. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never crashed a party this close to Flag Day before. It's just a bunch of rich snobs hanging out at a country club and wearing tuxes or whatever. So I'm about to don my custom tuxedo (it's my only piece of clothing that I didn't have to cut a hole for dorsal fin) and top hat, pick up my cane and monocle, and fake being rich and snobby at the local fancy place.

Here's what last year's party was pretty much like:

RICH GUY #1: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. ...
ME: Billionaire. Mr. Roger Flippington Billionaire.
RICH GUY #1: That's quite an impressive...name you have there.
ME: Yes. Quite. Do you have a cigar?
RICH GUY #1: I don't think I've ever seen someone of your...complexion smoke a cigar.
ME: I do it often. Frequently, in fact.
RICH GUY #2: (walking up to join the conversation) Good God! Who invited this--
RICH GUY #1: Fine gentleman is Mr. Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Ahem. Yes. A pleasure. It's no wonder, with a monocle like that....
ME: I make an effort to have a monocle on hand for every occasion. Nothing shows people that I'm better than them like a monocle.
RICH GUY #2: Are you a member of this club Mr. ...?
ME: Billionaire.
RICH GUY #2: Yes, Mr. Billionaire.
ME: I most certainly am.
RICH GUY #2: I was under the impression that we did not allow beasts into the club.
RICH GUY #1: Go easy on the chap, Carlton.
ME: Well, good sir, I have already eaten all the free food this soiree has to offer, I have befouled the swimming pool, and I've laughed haughtily at more than a few jokes I did not understand, so I believe the point is moot. Good day.
RICH GUY #1: (as I walk away) There goes the most fantastic creature I've ever met.

The World Cup

I think there's something in the subtitle to this blog saying I discuss soccer. That was originally a bluff, but since the World Cup's going on, I might as well deliver.

So let's take a look at the matches. First the ones already played.

Germany v. Costa Rica, Germany wins 4-2: Home field advantage, man. I doubt there are enough Costa Ricans to even fill that stadium.

Poland v. Ecuador, Ecuador wins 2-0: I'm not too surprised when the former Eastern Bloc countries lose. Plus I think that Ecuador has harnessed the power of the equator better than any other soccer team before them.

England v. Paraguay, England wins 1-0: I like Paraguay and everything, but come on England. 1-0? Weak.

Sweden v. Trinidad & Tobago, Tie 0-0: As much as 0-0 ties prove the absolute futility of this game, I'm amazed by the tenacity of the Trinidadian team, especially since they were playing a man down. I think I know some of those guys from my South American days. Arriba!

Argentina v. Ivory Coast, Argentina wins 2-1: Check this out--

This is what I call a fan. He is the one and only reason I hope the Ivory Coast wins it all.

Serbia and Montenegro v. Netherlands, Netherlands wins 1-0: Got to be two of the most boring countries ever. I really really don't care.

Mexico v. Iran, Mexico wins 3-1: That's what you get for being terrorists, Iran. Allah's judgment against you is a loss in a soccer match.

Angola v. Portugal, Portugal wins 1-0: There's a soft spot in my heart for Angola that I can't explain, and I guess ultimately I don't care, because the only team in their group I want them to beat is Iran.

Italy v. Ghana, Italy wins 2-0: Did anyone not expect this? I mean, I cheered for Ghana and whatever, but seriously. We're not living in a dreamworld.

USA v. Czech Republic, Czech wins 3-0: This is the one time I'm not surprised when a former Eastern Bloc country wins. USA sucks.

Australia v. Japan, Australia wins 3-1: This is just an oddball match. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't make sense to me.

South Korea v. Togo, South Korea wins 2-1: I guess I like South Korea. But I think it's just hard to like a team whose country has about as much square footage as Connecticut. Which is a shame because I've heard good things about Togo.

That does it for the completed games, now how about the first round games to come?

Brazil v. Croatia: For all the made-up stories about Brazilian soccer team plance crashes I've heard, I still think Brazil will win. It'd take more than four or five plane crashes wiping out dozens of major players to make a difference in this match.

France v. Switzerland: I can't imagine either country caring about this game. You've got the snobs of all snobdom on hand one, and then there's the paragon of neutrality on hand two. I predict a wine and cheese party.

Spain v. Ukraine: A rhyming match! I pick Spain because it's easier to rhyme to with single-syllable words.

Tunisia v. Saudi Arabia: I pick the Saudis. For no reason in particular.

See you in a couple weeks for round 2!

Jessica Alba

A good friend of mine directed me to an article recently that quoted Jessica Alba as saying something like she's so hot she turns dolphins on. I can't speak for the specific dolphins she was with, but she's probably right. I mean, she's pretty hot.

But there are two things that concern me more about this article.

Number One. This happened on the set for a filming of a show called "Flipper." I hope this has nothing to do with me. Because I own the rights to that name. No one can use it without first consulting me. I smell a lawsuit. (Hopefully that'll give me a chance to meet Jessica.)

Number Two. This definitively proves that reincarnation happens. That's the only way to explain this. Dolphins don't find humans attractive unless the dolphin involved used to be human. I'm really starting to think that there's not a real dolphin out there. Just a bunch of former humans. Almost makes me think all you humans are destined for life as a dolphin. I anxiously await the day Jessica Alba dies and becomes a dolphin. Unless she becomes a fat dolphin.

Where Are My Adoring Fans?

One thing I've noticed lately is that no one reads this blog. That's right, gentle reader, you are no one. If I were in a less surly mood, I would admit that you are indeed a person. I would even say that you're one of the few people I like because you read all the pointless things I have to say. But at the moment none of that is true because I am surly and you are nobody.

There was a time when I was famous. No one remembers that time anymore because they're all dead or working corporate jobs or both. The people who claim to remember that time actually only remember the 80s syndication of my show and the more-or-less ironic adulation that followed. I certainly appreciate adulation, though, ironic or not.

But now we have the 2000s. The cold, dark present. And no one pays attention to a 40-some-year-old dolphin anymore. Not even one who spent three glorious seasons doing tricks and catching smugglers on national television. The aftermath of fame is bitter, but it's much more bitter once you've been unfamous for over twenty years. By then people don't just not want your autograph or not want to go swimming with you; they forget you have an autograph to give, and they forget that you can swim. They forget that you exist.

If you even read this far, I don't want you to pity me for my loneliness. It's not that bad. I actually made up most of that pathetic-sounding stuff. I just really want more people to read this blog. I mean seriously. I'm a famous washed-up dolphin here, and I'm writing a blog. What else does it take?