Spring Break. 2006.

Well, spring break's on the way, and that means it's time to relax and study while all the wackos go crazy for a week. You might think I'm kidding, me being the party dolphin that I am, but I'm serious. I get half of all my work for the spring semester done during spring break because there's no one around to bother me. I sometimes start to feel like a square, especially when I put on my reading glasses--that's right, I wear glasses--but to counteract that I always have a Van Damme marathon at the end of every spring break. This year I'm planning on getting Universal Soldier, The Order, and Double Team. Hope y'all have a good time; I know I will.

This Is Why We're Endangered

At least I think we're endangered. Whatever.

Apparently, another zoo dolphin died. Let me be the first to say that this is a load of crap. Dolphins don't just "die" in zoos, people kill them. Countless years of abuse at the hands of zookeepers and patrons alike. I've been there. Well, not exactly, but I have friends who have, and it's humiliating.

What offends me most is the name the zoos give us. Rio? Come on. That's just demeaning. And Harley? Do we even marginally resemble motorbikes? Didn't think so. I know nothing can match the heroic and regal moniker of Flipper, but you'd think they'd try a little harder.

EDIT: I've just been informed that Flipper was a name passed onto me by the opressors. Henceforth I shall be known as Kakakyak.

EDIT, part 2: Nuts to that. I'm sticking with Flipper.

My Thoughts on the Oscars

After nearly forty years, I've come to accept that I'm not going to get nominated for an Oscar or win in a surprise fluke that gives the award to someone who wasn't nominated. I'm fine with it. But since nearly all of my Oscar-viewing experienced was spent venting frustration about and struggling to deal with the fact that I would not win yet again, I didn't really pay attention to what was going on. So I still don't know who won.

This One's For the Ladies

In the past several years of being a former hot celebrity, I've been approached by a number of women who want me to father their children. I've got no problem with such proposals, but I feel it's my duty to warn the ladies about certain difficulties they might encounter in their quest for Flipper's children.

First, the doin' it. We've got two options. One, we're in my aquarium, in which case it's quite possible you might drown (it's happened before, and it's a mess, so I don't recommend it). Two, we're on a bed or a couch somewhere, but I can only handle that for an hour tops. Also, I can't so much maneuver on land, so you'd have to do all the work. Even then, though, it gets a bit uncomfortable with the dorsal fin jamming into whatever we're on. So I apologize in advance if the sexual experience isn't all you'd hoped it would be.

Second, the gestation period. Dolphins take 12 months. In my past experience, though, the combination of dolphin and human DNA actually adds the two gestation periods together, so it takes nearly two years for your Flipper baby to be born. It's not that bad. It's just a long time to be pregnant.

And third, the horrible disfigurement. Most of the ladies are so possessed by their lust that they don't realize that a dolphin-human hybrid is an incredibly hideous creature. Unless you're of the "all children are beautiful" persuasion, I suggest you use birth control when having sex with me (I don't use condoms, baby).

Lastly, I promise you that I will have absolutely nothing to do with raising our child. The first time I knocked someone up, I made a concerted effort to be there for the kid, but he tried to kill me on three or four separate occasions. Ever since then, I pretty much cut off all communication with the babies' mommas. Just so you know.

On Wisconsin

One question that I've surprisingly never been asked is how I came to take up residence in Wisconsin. The honest answer is I don't know. I have no idea how I got here, but when I realized I was here, I just felt like staying. You'd think the proper habitat for a dolphin would be an ocean, but you'd be wrong. It's Wisconsin.

The last thing I remember before I woke up in Wisconsin was hanging out in the Chicago aquarium, making friends with and eating the fishies. I think I got tazered or something cuz next thing I knew I was in some lake in what looked like the middle of nowhere.

So what keeps a dolphin in Wisconsin? That's easy. Beer, especially cheap beer.

It's About Flippin' Time!

At long last, your pal Flipper has a blog. Now I can finally tell you about all the stuff I do. Not that it's that interesting. For instance, today I swam around on the couch and ate nachos all day.

I dunno, maybe something hilarious will happen to me sometime. I mean, I am a former celebrity. Funny things happen to former celebrities all the time, and only some of them are degrading.

I just hope this won't be all about things I did in the '70s while I was on coke.