Me vs. Dilophosaurus

Recently I was harrassed by a certain dinosaur called a dilophosaurus. Some of you may remember this dinosaur as the cute little thing in Jurassic Park that wasted Newman from Seinfeld with some acid spit or something. This dinosaur harrassed me by saying, and I quote, "I could take you."

I dispute this claim.

I'll overlook the fact that dinosaurs are extinct and this spitting business was ungrounded speculation. That's not the issue. The issue is the face-off. This dilophosaurus is four feet tall and, aside from this acid spit crap, completely defenseless. I, however, am comparatively large and, well, similarly defenseless. But I'm resourceful and have a long, storied history of foiling many-a-smuggler, and the only thing the dilophosaurus ever took down is a slow, confused fat guy. That gives me the advantage. So assuming I can get past the spit (and trust me, that won't be a problem), this fight is smooth sailing for yours truly. I win.

This brings the tally to:
Flipper 1, Challengers 0.

Flipper's Mailbag, Part 2

Today's letter comes from Christine. She writes,

Do you have any plans to write a children's book anytime soon?

Why the hate?,
Christine

I'm not used to answering two questions at once, but I'll try. The first question will be labeled "1," and the second will be labeled "2."

1. No.
2. What hate?

Thanks for writing!


Send in your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

Fear

I've recently heard some threats that the Facebook administrative team is going to delete my facebook profile on the grounds that it is "ficticious." I am outraged. What right do they have to call me "ficticious," when it is unescapably clear that I am real. This will not stand.

Should it stand, though, I invite you, my comrades and compatriots, to send as many belligerent emails as you'd like to the facebook team (info@facebook.com) and protest their policies of profiling and discrimination against so-called fake profiles. We must stand up and protect our rights!

Also protect the rights of Wok of Shame and One Nightstand.

Flipper's Mailbag, Episode 1

Your response to the mailbag was overwhelming. I got three letters! That means, assuming I make this a weekly event, I'll have three whole weeks of questions to answer! YES!

So question number one comes from someone with the initial "J." "J" writes:
Can you explain the 5 tenants of Calvinism?

While I could be a jerk and answer simply, "Yes I can," I will instead explain them. However, I don't know anything about anything about Calvinism, so I'm going to stick with my trademark smart-assery.

The 5 Tenets of Calvin-and-Hobbesism
1. Tigers are Awesome
In the Calvin and Hobbes world, the Tiger is second only to the Boy. The Tiger provides wise counsel, witty and sarcastic comments, and a wondrous existence (also known as the 3 Ws, or the Trinity). In a sense the Tiger is our guide in our new life.

2. Ugly and Annoying Are the Girls
There's no room for girls if you're a follower of Calivn and Hobbes. They can be tempting, but you must remember that it is much better to chuck snowballs at them or make fun of them.

3. Lawyers? Not Likely.
We are not going to be lawyers when we grow up. End of story.

4. Imagination is How to Live
Let's face it, the real world both sucks and is boring. We need to use our imaginations if we're ever going to survive. This means cloning machines, dinosaur worlds, space battles, and such and such. Without them, we're nothing.

5. Parents Are Evil but Necessary
We all know that parents are the bane of our existence. They try to feed us vegetables and get us to bed at a reasonable time, and it probably violates some major human rights. On the other hand, they save us from monsters under the bed, so we have to compromise.

(NOTE: I actually did some research--gasp--but I could not determine whether or not it was the five "tenets" or "tenants." This is probably where a dolphin's understanding of the English language will get us nowhere.)


Send in your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!

Flipper Interactive

Originally I wanted to wait until I had a wider readership to launch this, but seeing as that's never going to happen, I'm launching it now.

Operation: Flipper's Mailbag!

Send in your questions to the all-knowing (well, nearly all-knowing) Flipper, and have them answered in a weekly feature! Ask me about world news. Ask me about movie times. Ask me about the weather. Or ask me about something you wouldn't find in your local newspaper. You could even ask me about your future. I'm not psychic, but I can try!

I will set up an email account for the mailbag later. I'm pretty tired right now. But I will tell you right now: if I don't get any questions, I will make some up and put your name on them. That will be embarrassing.

Now the address: Send Flipper your questions to...
flippersmailbag@gmail.com

Where I've Been for the Past Month

I'm glad no one was worried about me during my near month-long absence from the blogging world. Turns out I was pretty busy. Allow me to explain.

It all started on spring break. I was taking it easy, studying it up at Helen C., when all of a sudden a couple hoodlums came up and kidnapped me. Put a black bag over my head and everything. I considered the options (frat prank, Dolphin Liberation Organization, surprise bachelor party), but none of those made sense (frat guys love me, I work for the DLO, and it wasn't 1978). They threw me in a pool in the back of a truck and drove me off somewhere.

We stopped in what I could only assume was Denver, and I got dropped off at what seemed like a zoo. From what I overheard, I was supposed to be the star dolphin of the daily show after their two dolphins died of fin rot. I was yet another victim of dolphin zooification.

I performed the first couple shows under the name Misty, which I understood was the name of one of their recently deceased dolphins. I don't know why they did that, especially considering I'm much more famous than some jerk I've never heard of, but I tolerated it. By the second week I was there, though, they had all their publicity together and let the community know about their new dolphin. Unfortunately, their publicity guy was hard of hearing, so when the dolphinologists told him that the new zoo dolphin was Flipper the Dolphin, he heard it as Hitler the Dolphin. (Believe it or not, this has happened before.) The newspaper articles called me Hitler, the zoo ads called me Hitler, and the banner above my tank read, "HITLER THE DOLPHIN" in giant letters. The zoo patrons all pelted me with cabbage.

So I was kicked out of the zoo about a week after that. They decided not to ship me back to Madtown. There was some legal loophole about no one being allowed to fund any entity named Hitler. So I was stranded in what I could only assume was Denver until a bunch of hippies picked me up. It was a pretty uneventful ride. They liked talking a lot about the environment and stupid music and women's rights, so I eventually just told them to shut up. Anytime any of them tried to say anything, I'd slap 'em in the face and say, "Shut up." Eventually they learned to keep quiet. I could tell they wanted me out of the car, but I bought it from them for a cookie (which was actually already theirs) when they were high.

I got back to Madison just yesterday. I apparently missed three tests, probably failed all my classes, lost my fellowship, and most likely will have no chance to get grad degree. But at least I have some douchebag hippies' car.