Stop Kidnapping Me

I went for a run this morning around one of this city's beautiful lakes, and I was kidnapped again. It's getting to be really dangerous to be a dolphin in public. I've been kidnapped approximately 40% of the times that I've been in public places. What's the deal, America?

Fortunately, this kidnapping was easy to get out of. I told them that I was Flipper, and they were really impressed. We joked around for a while, and then they let me go. Apparently one of them was my friend on facebook. See, that website is good for something.

Still, I can't believe this epidemic of dolphin-nappings. Are people that desperate for dolphins these days? Wouldn't they rather have a dog or an otter or something? Unless dolphins are in high demand on the black market, but even then I think you'd be better off with an otter.

War, What Is It Good For?

I don't know how many people watched the President's speech last night. I know I didn't. I also know that I didn't read about it today, and unless there's something about it in the sports page or the comics, I shall remain blissfully ignorant.

However, I believe it is my civic duty to offer my opinion. After all, that's why I have this blog. It's my civic duty.

The president is once again heading down the wrong track. Doesn't he remember that we won the war in Iraq? He said so himself like three or four years ago. It's time we move on to the real enemy: France. No, sorry, I mean Poland. Definitely Poland.

I know it's not popular to say that Hitler had the right idea, and because I want to be popular, I'm not saying that. But Hitler saw one thing clearly: the Polish soccer team and textiles industry pose a significant threat to any nation seeking world domination. So if America really wants to wrap its greasy fist around our corpulent globe, it must begin with Poland.

I won't support mobilizing more troops, though. The Polish soccer team is too well armed for a ground invasion. We need send in some robots. The Polish are especially weak against robots, I hear. Drop a couple Furbies down there, and we'll have that country subjugated in two weeks.

More importantly, Poland will serve as the perfect staging point for taking the rest of the world. It's location provides direct access to both the South American and African coasts, and it's within 100 kilometers of at least six Snickers factories.

I wish I had a candy bar right now. Oh, I do have one. Sweet.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Merry Christmas, Bipeds!

Christmas is now only 5-6 days away. That's exciting. Well, at least part of it is exciting, and that part is the presents! I didn't have anybody to get presents for this year (thank you very much, tuna industry and oppressive Hollywood regime), so I'm going to give recommendations for your family members.

Your dad: He probably likes tools, right? But I bet he has all the tools he needs. Or so you think! Get him a giant inflatable hammer! It's fun and useful, and he can deflate it and keep in his toolbox!

Your mom: Haha, "your mom." But seriously, there's tons of stuff you can get for the kitchen. Plates, bowls, spices, mixing thingies. It really depends on the meals you want her to make for you.

Your older brother: Brothers are usually easy to buy for, but the presents for them should work on multiple levels. That's why I suggest an exploding cake. Level one: yummy-looking cake--he'll like that. Level two: explosion--funny. Level three: face covered in cake--even more funny. Level four: eating cake off his face--delicious.

Your younger sister: Dolls and ponies are cliche, so you'll have to be really unique to get by for your sister. Get away from the "safe" ideas and put yourself out on a limb with a pet rat. They're clean and talented just like your sister is! For added gift fun, let it loose in the house ahead of time and tell her she has to find her present!


And if you don't have anyone to buy for, feel free to visit My Amazon.com Wish List and pick up something for your favorite celebrity dolphin (me).

Ask Flipper: From the Secret Archives

Thousands of years ago, on October 5th, 2006, I received this question from a mysterious person named "Anonymous." I answered it privately at the time, but now it must come to light. I've translated the original archaic dialect of the email into contemporary speech. And for this special release from Flipper's archives, I'll give a free sticker next time you see me.


Dear Flipper,

Why does asparagus make your pee smell?

Love,
Anonymous

Dear "Anonymous,"

I was told by a close informant that this was going to be a romance question. Either he was lying or you were. I've known him longer than I've known you, so it was probably him. It's not my problem that I trust people too easily, is it? I don't know.

Which reminds me of your question. My answer is I don't know. But here's a question for you: What kind of a question is that? Doesn't your pee smell no matter what you eat?

Here comes the squid again. Great.

Flipper.

Vincent van Blog

I just got a site tracker a little while ago, and the results are disturbing. I'm currently averaging less than three visits a day. It's not that I care about number of readers--I've gotten over the vanity phase of blogging--but I really expected my agent or publicist to get the word out a little better. I don't care if I'm washed up. For the amount I'm paying these people, I should have at least 500,000 hits per day. One for every dollar.

I would have thought that blogging is like art: you have to die before you get any attention. But I already faked my death, and nothing happened! What more does it take? My real death? Fat chance, web culture elite. I'm here til the Apocalypse, even if it means nobody ever reads my blog. At least I'll have a beard as long as the Nile.

Yes, dolphins can grow beards. We are mammals.

Gum

I want to chew gum. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a dolphin to chew gum? It's really hard. I keep swallowing it! I even tried a massive piece that wouldn't go down my throat so that it'd stay in my mouth, but I swallowed that too! Well, I would have swallowed it if it hadn't gotten stuck in my throat. Three marine biologists had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me.

(Funny thing about the dolphin Heimlich: the thing that's stuck goes out the blowhole, not the mouth. Nailed one of those biologists in the face pretty good. Gave him a black eye and possibly a concussion.)

Now I realize my teeth and mouth aren't made for chewing, but come on! Gum!

Ask Flipper: The Return

In the months I spent away from this blog, I still received questions meant for my "Ask Flipper" advice column. I've actually received over 200 messages, and that number grows by the day, which I find astonishing considering I get an average of 2 readers a day. But now that I've returned, I can once again help you with your concerns, ease your pain, and make fun of you.

Dear Flipper,
Last semester I fell in love with my Money and Banking professor. After careful consideration, I wanted to take it to the next level - I emailed him, gushing over how much I enjoyed his class - that he was the best economics professor I'd ever had. I commented on the perfect fit of his fleece pullovers, and how much I enjoyed his thoughtful chin/neck tugs during question and answer time.

His reply was simply:
"Nana,
Glad you enjoyed the course. Hope you enjoy your next semester.
Professor"

Is he into me?

Nana Bee

Dear Nana Bee,
Most people will tell you no, and they might be right, but can you afford to take that chance? Professors are usually very subtle or very shy, so yours probably just can't bring himself to say he loves you. "Glad you enjoyed the course," could mean "I really like you too." "Hope you enjoy your next semester," would be, "I'm free on Friday, stop by my office." I'm not saying he's definitely into you; professors can also totally forget about romantic subtext. But I think you should strike while the iron's hot, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, since it's been exactly two months since you asked this question, your professor is probably dead. Sorry!


You can send your questions to flippersmailbag@gmail.com!